When can I stop being a wanker? asks weary Ramsay
GORDON Ramsay has asked when he will be allowed to drop his ‘tough guy wanker’ persona, it has emerged.
The celebrity chef is sure he has earned enough money by now to stop behaving like an unconvincing psychopath in order to entertain TV viewers.
Ramsay said: “I’ve started to think it’s a bit ridiculous to act like a US Marine Corps sergeant when all you’re doing is making a souffle.
“Yesterday the kettle was taking ages to boil so I automatically started screaming, ‘YOU NEED A FUCKING ROCKET UP YOUR ARSE, YOU LAZY METAL BASTARD!’
“I called a meeting with my people and asked if I could stop being angry, but they said that would jeopardise my new Fox show, Ramsay’s Baking Fury.
“I told them my idea for a show called Gordon’s Calm & Well-Adjusted Cookery Programme, but they said it would ‘damage the brand’.”
Agent Donna Sheridan said: “I explained to Gordon that if he’s not constantly kicking off there’s no way people will tune in to something as tedious as a middle-aged man slicing a courgette.
“Jamie’s the mockney chef, Nigella is the MILF chef and Gordon Ramsay is the obnoxious fucking twat chef.”