Who the f**k are Posh and Becks? A guide for Gen Z

A WHOLE generation has come of age since Posh and Becks were culturally relevant. Here’s how to explain to Zoomers who they are.

He was great and shit at football

David Beckham would be the first to admit that he couldn’t tackle, quickly crumbled under pressure and wasn’t great at receiving the ball. But by God he could f**king pass. And back in the late Nineties that’s all anyone watched football for, the thrill of watching him punt a ball down the pitch. The final score didn’t matter and was just a hollow sideshow to the main event of passing.

She was technically in the Spice Girls

You know the Spice Girls. They’re the band your mum listens to when she’s had a few gins and wants to remember what her life was like before you came along and ruined everything. Victoria Beckham was technically in it, but you’ll have to listen hard to make her out because she was wisely buried in the mix. Even tone-deaf Geri Halliwell was given more prominence because she wore a flag.

They were the Harry and Meghan of their day

Every generation needs a couple for the tabloids to relentlessly demonise. And before the papers turned their baleful gaze towards Harry and Meghan, they were busy making Posh and Becks personae non gratae. All because he got a red card for lightly tapping Diego Simeone and she allegedly got cheated on. Sounds quaint and old-fashioned now but this was back when Tamagotchis were cutting-edge technology.

Everyone thought they were a bit dim

Thanks to several media gaffes, the public was encouraged to turn on Posh and Becks for the unforgivable crime of looking a bit stupid. Admittedly revealing your partner’s nickname on Parkinson (‘Goldenballs’, which just makes you think of Jasper Carrot) wasn’t the wisest move, but they were too busy raking in millions and now don’t have to work another day in their lives. Not bad for a pair of idiots.

They have a son your age who thinks he can do things

The Beckham dynasty continues to this day with their litter of ridiculously-named children. Their eldest, Brooklyn, displays typical Zoomer arrogance by snapping awful pictures, pairing them with meaningless captions and calling himself a photographer. Having conquered this artistic field, he now pretends to be a chef by showing people how to make a bacon sandwich. And so the cycle of hate continues, very justifiably when you consider the unneeded thousands of dollars he must have been paid for your worst hangover cooking.

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A migrant hurricane is very similar to a Sharknado, Braverman explains

THE home secretary has explained that a migrant hurricane is very similar to a classic Sharknado but even more deadly.

Suella Braverman told the Conservative Party Conference that millions of rapacious migrants, each capable of stripping an ordinary British taxpayer to the bone in seconds, are being carried to the UK by strong winds.

She said: “The hurricane – caused by not burning enough fossil fuel – sweeps low over countries of undesirables, picking up tens of thousands. Then it heads here.

“Hurricanes of migrants, their outward surfaces just a sea of grasping hands, will hit the Home Counties taking everything they touch, from houses to jewellery to medical care, leaving behind nothing but bare, blighted earth.

“It will be identical to the Sharknados familiar from television, but instead of innocent, loveable sharks these are weather events packed with the worst scum of the earth: foreigners.

“Do you want to walk down the street and find the sandwich snatched from your hands, the shirt from your back, your shoes and phone and wallet and car keys all grabbed by a hurricane with hands? No? Then vote Conservative.”

Attendee Martin Bishop said: “Finally, a politician who’s not afraid to tell the truth.”