Who was Prince Harry's cougar? We rate the candidates

PRINCE Harry lost his virginity to an older woman in a field behind a pub, but who was the lucky cougar who took the prize? We outline the runners and riders.

Kirstie Allsopp

An older woman, posh, not afraid to luxuriate in abundant outdoor space: Kirstie Allsopp has her name all over this one. Knowing that a gift is more memorable if it’s handmade, she reached into the Prince’s breeches to make an offer well above asking price. He found the accommodation snug but extremely comfortable.

Odds: 28-1

Joan Collins

Invented the cougar with her appearances on Dynasty, which Harry no doubt watched with his mother as it was about posh rich people just like them, and has remained our national cougar for 40 years. The encounter was arranged by King Charles III, who paid trumpeters to blow a fanfare the moment his son went off.

Odds: 22-1

Kristen Scott Thomas

The Guardian reader’s cougar, with her command of French and air of icy discouragement, Scott Thomas considers herself above mere sex but made an exception for Royal blood, while making cutting remarks and delivering devastating side-eye. Ever since, Harry can only orgasm while being belittled.

Odds: 15-2

Katie Price

‘She liked horses, quite a lot,’ Harry wrote, and who is more equestrian-obsessed than huge-busted reality star Jordan? Familiar with taking the virginity of national sweethearts since her brutal deflowering of Gareth Gates and no stranger to a quick f**k round the back of a busy pub, the model did her civic duty.

Odds 7-1

Dame Judi Dench

Sexual powerhouse Dame Judi has had them all, from Sir Lawrence Olivier to Timothée Chalamet, and couldn’t resist adding a Royal to the notches on her bedpost. The national treasure method-acted her way to a command performance then went off to give Daniel Craig one again.

Odds: 3-1

Kate Middleton

Posh families are just like the ones on the cover of Take A Break: always rowing, drunk and shagging. The Duchess of Cambridge as was had cleared three bottles of Krug when she invited her brother-in-law into a field for a smoke. One thing led to another. No wonder Wills is so f**king furious.

Odds: Evens

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Woman's parents just want to circle back on the whole grandchildren thing

A 30-SOMETHING woman’s parents have requested a quick update on the situation with regards to her giving them grandchildren.

Over a supposedly innocent lunch, Roy and Carolyn Hobbs yet again asked what the deal was with their future grandkids, a subject daughter Rachel thought she had previously decisively closed.

Despite her repeated attempts to shut down the conversation, the couple intensified the interrogation, and now have plans to address it in more detail during their next phone call.

Carolyn said: “The answers we got at our last meeting were a bit vague, so we just wanted to gently but also extremely forcefully see how it was all going. 

“If we could just see a Gantt chart or some action points, I’d feel reassured. Perhaps some provisional baby names and a birth plan, just to be sure progress is being made.

“And she should stop claiming that it’s none of our business. We’re key stakeholders in this venture. I’ve invested loads of time in sending her newspaper articles about how a woman’s fertility declines with age.”

Rachel said: “Realistically, the grandkids project may be abandoned. However it seems like I’m doomed to repeat this conversation on a loop for at least 10 years until my uterus withers up and I’m finally free. 

“But then I’ll have to keep circling back to how they should not be frittering my inheritance every time they mention going on a cruise.”