PRINCE Harry lost his virginity to an older woman in a field behind a pub, but who was the lucky cougar who took the prize? We outline the runners and riders.
Kirstie Allsopp
An older woman, posh, not afraid to luxuriate in abundant outdoor space: Kirstie Allsopp has her name all over this one. Knowing that a gift is more memorable if it’s handmade, she reached into the Prince’s breeches to make an offer well above asking price. He found the accommodation snug but extremely comfortable.
Odds: 28-1
Joan Collins
Invented the cougar with her appearances on Dynasty, which Harry no doubt watched with his mother as it was about posh rich people just like them, and has remained our national cougar for 40 years. The encounter was arranged by King Charles III, who paid trumpeters to blow a fanfare the moment his son went off.
Odds: 22-1
Kristen Scott Thomas
The Guardian reader’s cougar, with her command of French and air of icy discouragement, Scott Thomas considers herself above mere sex but made an exception for Royal blood, while making cutting remarks and delivering devastating side-eye. Ever since, Harry can only orgasm while being belittled.
Odds: 15-2
Katie Price
‘She liked horses, quite a lot,’ Harry wrote, and who is more equestrian-obsessed than huge-busted reality star Jordan? Familiar with taking the virginity of national sweethearts since her brutal deflowering of Gareth Gates and no stranger to a quick f**k round the back of a busy pub, the model did her civic duty.
Odds 7-1
Dame Judi Dench
Sexual powerhouse Dame Judi has had them all, from Sir Lawrence Olivier to Timothée Chalamet, and couldn’t resist adding a Royal to the notches on her bedpost. The national treasure method-acted her way to a command performance then went off to give Daniel Craig one again.
Odds: 3-1
Kate Middleton
Posh families are just like the ones on the cover of Take A Break: always rowing, drunk and shagging. The Duchess of Cambridge as was had cleared three bottles of Krug when she invited her brother-in-law into a field for a smoke. One thing led to another. No wonder Wills is so f**king furious.
Odds: Evens
