Why I am one tough cookie no New York cop could crack, by Prince Andrew

by the Duke of York

IT IS true that I have declined all opportunity to be interviewed by New York’s Finest. Because this Prince is one perp no NYPD Blue can break. 

They would take me to their interrogation room, my hands cuffed behind my back, casually referring to me as a ‘piece of sh*t’ in asides to their hard-bitten colleagues, and my impassive facade would not waver an inch.

Even below the bare bulb in the room itself, as one cop offered me a cigarette and the other told me what ‘the sisters’ would do to my Royal ass in Riker’s Island, my ice-blue gaze would remain steady.

I am no pimp off the streets, low-level stooge in hock to the mob or junkie going through cold turkey. I am – or was, I can’t remember – physically unable to sweat.

With steely resolve, I would repeat only what is required by my Miranda rights: that I am His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Duke of York, vice admiral of the Royal Navy, and eight in line to the succession of the British throne.

My interrogators would turn away, defeated. Behind the one-way glass their captain will punch his fist into a wall in frustration.

The lead investigator, who I imagine will be called Lieutenant Fisketti and be something of a maverick, would snarl ‘We’re watching you, asshole’ in a pathetic attempt to intimidate me.

Then I would walk away down Fifth Avenue, a spring in my step, just like in the movies. The law unable to touch me even though I’m as guilty as sin.

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Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p

THE most tangible benefit of Brexit hits Britain this week in the form of three million Brexit 50p coins. But what will you do with yours? 

Flip it
Make arbitary decisions even more fun by flipping a coin like you’re Batman villain Two-Face; heads, we’re all about to become unemployed on the whim of fishermen, tails we’ll all lose our jobs to benefit City bankers. 

Hoard it
Brexit is happening, it will be as Brexity as Brexit can be, and Brexiters have won. But their permanent sense of aggrieved victimhood means they’ll hoard as if liberal elites are coming to take them away. Huge stashes will hit eBay in about ten years, when they’re all dead. 

Sharpen your sense of irony
What could be more British than savage, delicious irony? And what could be more ironic than a coin bearing the words ‘Peace and prosperity and friendship with all nations’ to commemorate economic ruin caused by telling our nearest neighbours to f*ck off? 

Place it over your heart
Brexiters spend 14 out of every 16 waking hours obsessing about the war and all have a story about their great-grandfather’s life being saved by an object that stopped a bullet. Keep your Brexit 50p there and it will save you in the upcoming UK-EU conflict. Except all the teenage soldiers trained on Call of Duty and only do headshots. 

Cry about it
Over the last three years, the point of Brexit has changed from ‘not sure really’ to ‘winding Remainers up’. This coin only exists so Brexiters can imagine liberals getting one in their change and bursting into tears. So start weeping. 

Spend it
Thought to be the most popular option, most Britons are expected to get a Brexit 50p in their change, say ‘Oh, it’s one of them Brexit ones’ and then put it in a vending machine to buy crisps. Because that’s what coins are for.