Why your relationship is a squalid knee-trembler compared to the magnificent love of William and Kate

THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley. 

And today, as they celebrate their 10th anniversary, your relationship looks even more worthless next to their refined perfection. 

Do you genuinely think that your 22-year marriage, two children and financial security can hold a candle to the utopian devotion of Britain’s shining couple? You insult them by even thinking it. 

Compared to them, your marriage is a loveless afternoon coupling between sales reps in a by-the-hour hotel in a bleak Midlands town. It is two mongrels locked in coitus in a park.

When you hold hands on the sofa watching TV, that is two tramps drinking cider in a wet cardboard box compared to Wills and Kate doing the same. Your fond smiles are cracked, toothless grins compared to the heavenly radiance of their beams. 

When they make love, the angels cry and reward them with blissful, wonderful offspring that delight the world. When you rut like beasts you produce annoying brats who no one would ever want to see on a calendar.

So bow your heads, accept that you are nothing, and worship them. Worship their sublime magnificence. And buy a commemorative tea-towel.

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The boyfriend's guide to surviving buying tampons

YOU’VE asked your girlfriend if she needs anything from the shops and she’s asked you to pick up some tampons. Here’s how to cope with this terrifying ordeal. 

Fear control

Your first thought is escape. Despite decades of social progress, you are somehow deeply afraid of purchasing a mundane hygiene product. Thoughts of booking a flight out of the country are a massive overreaction, you idiot.


You consider telling her that they were out of stock, hoping that her bodily functions will respect the situation and temporarily pause. Unfortunately, you live next to a big Tesco and it’s inconceivable that they’ve run out of sanitary products. There is no escape, so you should probably just bite the bullet and get on with it.

Lurk around awkwardly

At the shop, spend several minutes pretending to browse nearby aisles, desperately avoiding the dreaded ‘feminine hygiene’ section. You may even catch the eye of another boyfriend on the same mission, warily circling. Unfortunately, there’s only so long you can pretend to look at guacamole for, so it’s all systems go.


Eventually, you’ll find yourself standing before a vast wall of tampons and sanitary pads; feeling overwhelmed and scared by phrases such as ‘heavy flow’ and ‘applicator’. Your nerves are frayed and you’ve forgotten what brand you’re supposed to get.

Choosing the tampons

Illogically, you decide to just get her a random packet and hope that they’ll do. This is despite the fact that you bitterly complained last week when your girlfriend bought you the wrong brand of porridge oats – and you don’t even have to insert those into your genitals.


At the checkout you feel a strange need to say to the cashier: ‘They’re for my girlfriend.’ The weary look they give you says: ‘I feel sorry for anyone going out with you.’