Friday, 14th May 2021

Arlene Foster's raucous leaving do: the full itinerary

ARLENE Foster is stepping down as leader of the Democratic Unionist Party, which means an awesome leaving do with her fundamentalist Christian colleagues. Here’s what they have planned.

4pm: Goodbyes and leaving gifts. Someone gives a speech about funny moments working with Arlene. There aren’t any. Unfortunately the whip-round only raised £4.42, so she just gets a Union Jack mug in a tatty box.

5pm: Pub. Everyone gets a drink in and conversation turns to light-hearted banter, such as the betrayal of Northern Ireland by the Westminster government and keeping Ulster free of sodomites.

5.20pm: As is traditional with colleagues who aren’t very popular, people are making their excuses and leaving. Several members of the DUP claim they have to go home and look after their cat, who has a tummy upset.

6pm: Food is ordered. A prayer is said to thank the Lord for the meal, and also for warding off Satan in his many guises, such as the Pope.

7.30pm: The drinks are flowing and finally everyone is having a good time discussing how they will never surrender to the IRA. 

8pm: Arlene rings Theresa May to settle a few scores, calling her a treacherous cow. As with all drunken phone calls to your old boss, it goes to voicemail and she will regret it when she wakes up the next day with a hangover.

11pm: Diehard revellers decide to go on to a club. Some of the DUP object due to nightclubs being ungodly dens of vice and iniquity, but it’s decided it will be okay this once so long as no one starts twerking. 

2am: After dancing on her own for an hour in a strange way, Arlene is persuaded to get a cab home, which she promptly throws up in.