William gives Kate a blonde wig

PRINCE William has continued creeping out the entire nation by giving his new wife a 1980s-style blonde wig.

The £20,000 rug was grown in petri dishes from clippings taken from his mother’s actual hair and has taken five years to grow to the precise length specified in his exacting set of instructions.

Scientists at the Laboratoire Garnier, where the hairpiece was raised, say William visited every week for progress reports and would sometimes spend the night curled up on the floor sleeping next to the dishes.

Constitutional historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “William’s spent most evenings since the wedding watching Hitchcock’s Vertigo and asking Kate if she’d ever consider having a ‘nose augmentation’.

 “She was absolutely furious when she found out that the Latin inscription on her wedding ring was the opening lyrics to Candle In The Wind.”

William almost sparked a crisis before the wedding by asking if Kate minded them walking down the aisle to a medley of Duran Duran hits and suggesting that he change part of the vows to ‘Love, honour and obey…whatever love means’.

Finch-Hatton added: “William’s just a normal boy who’s spent his entire life with the whole world telling him his mum was both a living saint and cracking wank fodder so it’s natural he’s going to have some exceptionally strange views about her.

“I’m sure that he and Kate are going to be just fine, so long as she doesn’t mind Harry sleeping at the foot of the bed like a giant ginger Labrador.”


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Glenn Beck urged to increase pressure on massacre victims

US intellectual Glenn Beck has been urged to keep up the pressure on the victims of the Norway massacre.

Professor Beck was universally applauded for his attack on all those killed on Saturday and has been urged to do everything in his power to desecrate their memories to the fullest possible extent.

Beck, the emeritus professor of political philosophy at Harvard University, compared the children gunned down on Utoya Island to the Hitler Youth in a move which many say must now surely bring him to the attention of the Nobel Institute.

Professor Noam Chomsky, Beck’s great intellectual rival, said: “I have to hand it to Glenn, he has out-thought me this time.

“The breadth of his imagination is simply stunning. Compared to him I feel like a moron.

“I truly hope he continues to pursue this issue and finds the rhetorical skill to forcefully condemn these young people again and again. I could listen to him doing this forever.”

Meanwhile a petition has been started calling for advertisers on Professor Beck’s Musings from the Library radio show to increase their spending in direct proportion to the ferocity of his attacks on the Norwegian victims.

Petition organiser, Nobel Prize-winning economist Professor Paul Krugman, said: “I confidently predict that companies who advertise moments after Glenn has brilliantly insulted these dead children will reap the financial rewards.

“And on a more personal note, I know that Glenn’s lovely wife Tania will be very keen to have sex with him whenever he labels those children as Nazis. What woman could refuse?”

Geneticist, Professor Richard Dawkins, said: “We may be witnessing an evolutionary event. This glorious attack could be evidence of a new form of human brain. I would not be surprised if Professor Beck was also able to read minds.”

Noam Chomsky added: “Sometimes Glenn asks me if his bold intellectual forays could eventually put him in physical danger from lesser beings who feel threatened by his searing intelligence and I always tell him ‘no, of course not, people love you, keep going’.”

A spokesman for the Nobel Institute said: “We would never speculate on the names of future laureates but let’s just say if I was Professor Beck I would be keeping my calendar open for December and checking the price of business class to Oslo.”