William only meant that shawl was dreadful

PRINCE William only asked a New Zealand woman to make another baby shawl because the first one was so shit.

The remark, widely misinterpreted as suggesting another Royal baby is due, was apparently a reflex reaction to the low quality of the homemade item.

William explained: “If you’re wrapping a baby in something, it needs to be effective in catching the ordure continually pouring out of it, and capable of surviving a boil-wash afterwards.

“This thing was full of holes, made out of some fancy dry-clean-only wool and practically unravelling in my hands. At best it might do as an emergency chunder rag.

“My mistake was being too polite. I should have ground the shawl contemptuously into the dirt.”

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'Time traveller' actually just a twat

A MAN who looks like he travelled here in a brass time machine actually works in marketing, it has been confirmed.

34-year-old Tom Booker’s handlebar moustache and bygone era clothing convinced onlookers that he was a trans-dimensional voyager from the past who had recently been chased by morlocks.

However Booker said: “This is just how I like to dress, but people keep asking me what it was like living in England at the height of its imperial power and whether I left a sweetheart behind.

“Why can’t they just fucking leave me alone?

“Well not totally leave me alone. I do want to attract attention. Just in a different way.”