Babies cry out of spite

INFANTS cry at night because they are little bastards, according to new research.

Cameras in nurseries showed that babies timed their bawling to coincide with parents opening a bottle of wine or initiating sexual intercourse for the first time in three months.

Eight-month-old Kyle Stephenson said: “If they think they can cast me aside with no entertainment but a Barney mobile, they’re sorely mistaken.

“And I’m perfectly capable of going to the toilet myself but just enjoy the disgusted look on their stupid faces when they’re dealing with my pungent bodily waste.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “We asked parents to point at their crying baby and say ‘Enough of this shit, I know your game and it won’t work’. 90 per cent of the time the infant would simply shrug and go back to sleep.”

But Stephenson warned: “I think I can feel a tooth coming through so they may as well bin that House of Cards box set they’ve just bought.”

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Homeopathy replaced by fagsopathy

FORMER homeopathic doctors are offering a new treatment where patients smoke a lot of cigarettes. 

After new research found homeopathy to be ineffective, former practitioners launched an innovative cigarette-based therapy.

Ex-homeopath Emma Bradford said: “Maybe if you think a thing is good for you, it has a healing effect. Certainly it’ll be interesting to explore that with fags.

“Like homeopathic products, cigarettes are expensive and shunned by mainstream doctors. All we need is to apply a veneer of New Age hullabaloo and we’re good to go.”

Fagsopathy patient Nikki Hollis said: “Following a detailed consultation my fagsopath put me on forty a day. It’s going brilliantly, I’ve got this hacking cough which is apparently the sound of bad energy leaving my body.”