Wills and Kate's guide to the horrors of house hunting

HOUSE hunting? Sick of endless viewings and being outbid? The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge know exactly how you feel. Here they explain their woes: 

Wills: The problem with period properties is finding somewhere small enough. There are hundreds of rooms at Ken Palace. We try to stick to 20, but are we really getting any use out of the sixth reception room? It’s full of old polo mallets.

Kate: As a frugal recycler who thinks nothing of wearing the same outfit four times in a decade, I want to live according to my needs. But you’d be surprised how few cottages have eight bedrooms and a double-height music loft.

Wills: If there’s one thing that boils my blood it’s gazumping. We were exchanging contracts on a great little 40-bedroom mansion when a Saudi jumped in with an extra £30 million and we were back at square one. I think we’ve all been there. Though not everyone’s Uncle Andy trousered half a million from the deal.

Kate: My pet hate has to be misleading descriptions from estate agents. One place apparently was ‘convenient for local amenities’ while being 21 miles from Harvey Nichols. Another one? Used a fish-eye lens to make the ballroom look enormous. So disappointing.

Wills: We keep finding places that seem perfect but just have that one thing wrong with them. We saw a stately home in Hampshire, plenty of room for the kids, horses and protection officers, but it didn’t have its own grouse moor.

Kate: I loved that place, but it’s a deal-breaker if your kids can’t blast unsuspecting wildlife to bits with a shotgun.

Wills: The big problem for buyers right now are insanely inflated prices. The price of a deer park has gone sky high. How are younger royals meant to take their first step on a life of sickening privilege?

Kate: Especially in London. Wills and I work tirelessly at activities that serve no useful purpose and we’d still struggle to afford even 80 acres in Mayfair.

Wills: But don’t give up on finding your dream home. We’ve finally found the perfect place for our family, Adelaide Cottage. It just took persistence, being open-minded, and telling Eugenie to piss off out of it.

Kate: It will all work out so try to keep your spirits up. You don’t have to settle. You will find your dream home in a private park for taxpayers to refurbish. Also I fancy one of these spare oligarch yachts.

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Summer romances: things you thought you'd have as a teenager but never did

WERE your teenage years a huge disappointment? These are the things you thought would make them magical but didn’t ever happen:

Summer romances

Too many teen novels had you convinced that every summer you’d meet a gorgeous guy or girl, share a passionate, six-week love affair, and then write dreamily romantic letters to each other for the rest of the year. Shame you spent every holiday in Torquay with your gran, then.

A celebrity encounter

Everyone’s cousin had a highly convincing story about running into Noel Gallagher at their local shopping centre, so you reckoned it was bound to happen to you at some point. Sadly, the closest you ever came was seeing Lesley Joseph in a pantomime, which was just a bit pathetic, especially as your dad fancied her.

A glow-up

While liberally applying Clearasil to your pimpled face, your mum always promised there would come a time when you’d transform into a butterfly, and all the girls would be desperate for your attention. It never happened, and now you’re also starting to lose your hair.

A secret talent

Many great coming-of-age stories hinge on the subject having a life of incredible success after discovering they’re naturally amazing at the guitar or karate, and you always assumed your secret skill would emerge sometime in your teen years. Needless to say, the only thing you got really good at was masturbating.

Quality anecdotes

When your parents told stories from their youth, they were tales of coming across unexploded WW2 bombs or sneaking out of the house at night to go to a Sex Pistols gig. Sadly, your days spent inside playing Donkey Kong haven’t produced similarly fascinating anecdotes.

An inseparable group of friends

Books and films convinced you that once you’d found your gang at school you’d all be friends forever, going on adventures and sharing life’s burdens into old age. What actually happened? You grew apart, made new friends based on criteria other than ‘sits next to me in science’ and now nod just awkwardly at each other in the supermarket,