Winehouse Blames Crack Addiction On LSD Hallucinations

AMY Winehouse last night blamed her addiction to crack cocaine on a hallucination of the devil she saw while high on LSD. 

The Rehab singer said Satan appeared before her in the guise of a six-foot Jamaican called Barrington while she was visiting a council flat with a steel door just off Westbourne Grove.

She said Beelzebub incanted curses over her in a strange, heavily accented English before selling her a small bag of sensimilia, three rocks of crack, a Kit-Kat, and a small plastic pipe, all for £25.

The singer said: "Okay, I had dabbled in drugs before Lucifer cast his spell, a little weed, some coke, a bit of smack and the odd pint of Night Nurse with a Benylin chaser.

"I'd tried ketamine, crystal meth, amphetamine, ecstasy, crushed up valium, Temazepam, PCP, GHB, mescaline, amyl nitrate, Vim, unleaded petrol, cider ice lollies and Jagermeister.

"I’d done Darvon, Lortab, methadone, morphine, Percodan, some Phenaphen with Codeine, Talacen, Tramadol, lots of Tylenol, some Ultram, but never all at the same time like now, and I never touched Vicodin.

"That is the work of the devil."

A spokeswoman for Beelzebub said Satan did appear on earth in human form but that he was much more likely to manifest as Al Pacino, Liz Hurley or Richard and Judy than a large West Indian.

She said: "The devil is all about spreading evil and confusion, he is not, and never has been, a man for reinforcing negative stereotypes about black people."

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Billy Bragg, Warn Economists

WITH unemployment expected to reach three million by the end of next year, economists were last night warning of Billy Bragg.

The dire financial climate means there is now a greater chance of the communist singer-songwriter than at any time since 1987.

Dr Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "Two years ago I said if we did not exert greater control over monetary policy we would simply be creating the perfect conditions for Billy Bragg.

"By next April we could find ourselves in the middle of a nationwide tour involving the Communards, the Style Council and – just saying it makes me want to die – the Blow Monkeys.

"And every show will begin with George Monbiot reading a poem about how the trees are not unemployed. Holy Jesus Christ almighty, it must be stopped."

Professor Bill McKay, of University College London, said: "The core economic purpose of any Labour government is to prevent Billy Bragg.

"If, as it appears, we are returning to a cycle of boom, Bragg and Jimmy Sommerville's excruciating falsetto, one is forced to ask the question, 'what is Gordon Brown for?'."

Professor McKay added: "If I so much as hear the introduction to Between the Wars, I swear to God I will throw myself under a horse."