Woking Pizza Express strangely not mentioned in Epstein court files

THE visit to Pizza Express in Woking which proves Prince Andrew’s innocence has oddly not been mentioned in the newly-released Jeffrey Epstein files.

The absence of the trip on the 10th of March 2001, which definitely happened because Prince Andrew said so in an interview, has baffled the courts and public alike because it is the sort of crucial detail that would surely have been recorded.

New York district judge Loretta Preska said: “This throws the credibility of the whole case into doubt. Maybe Jeffrey Epstein was innocent all along and didn’t do anything dodgy with minors on his private island?

“How come the Pizza Express meal isn’t logged yet details about Bill Clinton and Donald Trump are meticulously written down? One could almost assume it was a pathetic fabrication designed to mask wrongdoing. That would be a bad faith reading though.

“We should all just continue to believe Prince Andrew’s watertight alibi as before. This curious omission doesn’t convict him of anything. If he can name two of his pizza toppings that makes him entirely innocent in the eyes of the law.”

Emma Bradford from Stevenage said: “The files don’t say the trip to Pizza Express didn’t happen, which is good enough for me. I’m no legal expert, but I’d say that means the case is closed.

“As for the millions the Queen paid towards Ms Giuffre’s settlement, I reckon Her Majesty was just feeling generous that day. She probably wanted her to have a pizza too.”

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Virgin comics fan prefers to keep penis in mint condition

A NERD who has never had sex says being a virgin is a deliberate choice to keep his genitals in perfect, re-sellable condition.

26-year-old Ryan Whittaker is highly skilled at hunting down rare issues of vintage superhero comics, but has been less successful at finding a woman.

He explained: “When I was younger, I was miserable about not finding my own Mary Jane Watson. It felt like getting a girlfriend was even harder than finding The Amazing Spider-Man #28.

“But I’ve realised that not having sex has kept me in perfect, unsullied condition. Save for the ravages of puberty, I’m just as I was the day I was issued. Just like my shelf of over 400 pristine comics from the Marvel Golden Age.

“I guess it’s slightly different because you can’t have sex with a comic book. Believe me, I’ve tried. With the protective sleeve on, of course, I’m not mental.”

Whittaker has found that thinking of himself as a collector’s item has improved his self-esteem and given him the confidence to try new things, such as going to a different branch of Forbidden Planet.

However Whittaker’s mother Susan said she was disappointed he has stopped pursuing women and resolved to stay a virgin.

She said: “It means he won’t be moving out any time soon. I wouldn’t call it ‘mint condition’ either. He hasn’t showered for three weeks.”