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Yes, I've been secretly shitting myself for a decade

HI guys, Scott Mills here, and to answer the question on everyone’s mind, yes, I have been living in quiet terror for ten years.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been on BBC Radio 2 for the last few days, well, I’m sure you’ve all seen the news by now. ‘Personal conduct’ this, ‘teenage boy’ that, blah blah blah, you get the picture.

But please try to think of the real victim in this. Which is me, maybe. Ever since I had what’s being carefully described for legal reasons as a ‘historical relationship’ back in 2016, I’ve been worried about the truth coming to light every single day.

This wouldn’t have been a problem if I were some nobody who stacked shelves in Sainsbury’s. But unfortunately I am – sorry, was – a highly-paid presenter and public figure. Which is a bad move if you’re trying to hide a shameful secret.

And to make things worse I was a breakfast DJ. Every morning I’d slip on my headphones with the breezy demeanour of your cheeky best mate, but inside I was panicking that someone would phone in and expose me. Not ideal for perking up listeners in the morning.

It wasn’t paranoia either. I watched Huw Edwards and Phillip Schofield getting busted and I had to pretend to be disgusted like everyone else. Do you have any idea of the toll that level of deception takes on a person?

On particularly bad days I’d cue up a few really long tracks then sneak off to a soundproof cupboard for a scream. If you were ever puzzled by my playlist of Rapper’s Delight, American Pie and Purple Rain, well, now it makes sense.

That said, it’s something of a relief now the truth has come out. I’m not permanently on the verge of a heart attack anymore, which is a plus, and I can start to move past this. Honestly, from my point of view this is one of the best days of my life.

Thanks in advance for your forgiveness. I can’t wait to see who plays me in a documentary about this whole shitstorm!

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Speeding driver taught powerful moral lesson by sad face on flashing sign

A DRIVER has taken a long, hard look at his life after being confronted with a disappointed face on an electronic road sign.

Joe Turner, 38, went slightly over the limit in a 30mph zone, prompting the LED display to abandon its happy, carefree expression and deliver a look of genuine anguish.

Turner said: “It wasn’t angry. That would’ve been easier to deal with. It was just disappointed, like it expected better of me.

“I drove on but I just couldn’t get the image of that sad f**king face out of my mind. It made me reflect on everything – not just the speeding. Times I’ve let people down. Treated women badly. It all came flooding back.

“I had to pull over to compose myself. I sat in silence for half an hour, reassessing things. This light-hearted traffic warning has really made me ask what sort of person I want to be.”

A local council spokesperson said: “The sad face has been incredibly effective. Most drivers couldn’t care less about the safety of other road users, but they don’t want to let a piece of infrastructure down.”

Turner confirmed he has not gone over a speed limit since and is “trying to be better person in general”. 

He added: “I needed this. Thank you for giving me a second chance at life, road sign smiley face.”

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