Your legal questions answered, by Tommy Robinson

TOMMY Robinson is in the shit again after losing a libel case against a bullied Syrian teenager. Class. With his extensive knowledge of English law, here he answers your legal questions.

Dear Tommy, my neighbour’s leylandii are blocking the light to our new conservatory. What legal recourse do I have? Yours, Hugh

Kick the f**ker’s head in. The law can’t touch you for that. If he’s one of ‘them’ or a leftie me and a couple of the lads can pop round and intimidate him while pretending to be ‘journalists’.

Dear Tommy, I have badly libelled someone with strong racist overtones. What should I do? Susan

Susan, I’m assuming you have a legion of gullible followers who will send you money. Just start a crowdfunding whip round and you might even make a profit.  

Dear Tommy, I wish to change my name. Do I need to see a solicitor? Yours, Iain Horseanus

I speak from experience here, Iain, and no, it costs just £42.44. I’d go for something working class-sounding, like ‘Robinson’ or ‘Tommy’. Basically anything that will prevent you being called a poof by your football hooligan mates.

Dear Tommy, I kicked a police officer in the head during a ‘domestic’, started a mass brawl, and put in fraudulent mortgage applications. What should I do? Graham

Sorry Gra, that’s completely outside my sphere of expertise. 

Dear Tommy, I bought a strimmer from a friend for £20. It broke after its first use and now he refuses to give me my money back. Should I go to the small claims court, or should I write it off for the sake of our friendship? Paul

Paul, you need a strimmer because otherwise the ‘weeds’ will take over ‘the garden’. I think you know what I’m saying here. 

Dear Tommy, after a variety of convictions the courts have lost patience with me and I’m headed for clinky. Do you have any advice? Davo

As a top legal advisor, almost a barrister, I’d suggest: go for the veggie food option in prison – you get bigger portions and the meat sausages will make you want to barf. Also watch your back in the showers and sleep with a sharpened toothbrush under your pillow.

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'Buy everything': What shoppers hear when they're told not to panic buy

WONDERING why you’re seeing shoppers clear supermarket shelves despite explicitly being told they don’t have to? That’s because their panicked brains heard these thoughts instead.

Buy everything

This is the opposite of the advice they were given, but shoppers reckon this is the subtext that supermarket bosses were hinting at. If you want to be a panic buyer, it’s easy – misinterpret everything anyone tells you and only listen to the primal fear of starvation in your head.

A family pack of toilet roll only lasts a day

Despite only going through a few sheets of double quilted toilet paper in the space of 24 hours, a shopper told not to panic buy will instantly start miscalculating under pressure. Even if they live alone and have a low fibre diet, they’ll decide that 16 rolls will barely see them through to the evening.

Reasonable behaviour is optional

Calmly pushing your trolley round like normal is the way to go. But shoppers will disregard this the second they’re told not to worry. Now they’re fully prepared to punch a granny in the face so they can steal the last packet of chocolate digestives. It’s survival of the fittest, and they’re the apex predator.

My cupboard’s definitely big enough for all this

This deluded thought usually kicks in when shoppers catch themselves wheeling around three large trolleys filled to the brim. So what if they only did a big shop yesterday? With a bit of careful planning all this excess food is bound to fit in somehow. Maybe leave that slim pack of finely sliced ham on the shelf, just to be sure.

Society is on the brink of collapse

An empty fresh produce section is a sure sign that we’re heading towards a Mad Max-style dystopia as far as panic buyers are concerned. And once the abundant supplies of spaghetti hoops are reduced to half capacity, it’s only a matter of hours until grizzled marauders will be cruising down the streets in giant nitro-powered trucks. So stock up while you can.