TOMMY Robinson is in the shit again after losing a libel case against a bullied Syrian teenager. Class. With his extensive knowledge of English law, here he answers your legal questions.
Dear Tommy, my neighbour’s leylandii are blocking the light to our new conservatory. What legal recourse do I have? Yours, Hugh
Kick the f**ker’s head in. The law can’t touch you for that. If he’s one of ‘them’ or a leftie me and a couple of the lads can pop round and intimidate him while pretending to be ‘journalists’.
Dear Tommy, I have badly libelled someone with strong racist overtones. What should I do? Susan
Susan, I’m assuming you have a legion of gullible followers who will send you money. Just start a crowdfunding whip round and you might even make a profit.
Dear Tommy, I wish to change my name. Do I need to see a solicitor? Yours, Iain Horseanus
I speak from experience here, Iain, and no, it costs just £42.44. I’d go for something working class-sounding, like ‘Robinson’ or ‘Tommy’. Basically anything that will prevent you being called a poof by your football hooligan mates.
Dear Tommy, I kicked a police officer in the head during a ‘domestic’, started a mass brawl, and put in fraudulent mortgage applications. What should I do? Graham
Sorry Gra, that’s completely outside my sphere of expertise.
Dear Tommy, I bought a strimmer from a friend for £20. It broke after its first use and now he refuses to give me my money back. Should I go to the small claims court, or should I write it off for the sake of our friendship? Paul
Paul, you need a strimmer because otherwise the ‘weeds’ will take over ‘the garden’. I think you know what I’m saying here.
Dear Tommy, after a variety of convictions the courts have lost patience with me and I’m headed for clinky. Do you have any advice? Davo
As a top legal advisor, almost a barrister, I’d suggest: go for the veggie food option in prison – you get bigger portions and the meat sausages will make you want to barf. Also watch your back in the showers and sleep with a sharpened toothbrush under your pillow.