The things you did to try and get laid that now make you cringe with shame

DO you look back on your youth and feel gruesome embarrassment about your pathetic attempts to have sex? Take this toe-curling trip down memory lane.

Trying to be fashionable

And failing. In your earlier teenage years you were convinced that the right trousers, skirt, tracksuit, etc. were the key to popularity – and sex. Life isn’t that simple, and all you did was drag your parents round shops to become a dork with incongruously cool trainers.

A hair obsession

Jesus, how much time did you spend worrying about your hair? The fact is, you probably looked fine, unless you were an unfortunate youngster whose mum cut their hair, resulting in the classic ‘pudding basin’ look.

Feigning interest in things 

What a coincidence – whatever terrible music the person you fancied liked, you liked too. However your fake interest could also include things like animals, books and vegetarianism. Common for teenagers, but can last much longer. Sadly it never works out as a strategy, which will teach you not to be such a creep.

Loitering in the ‘friend zone’

The more you become friends, the more likely romance is to blossom, right? No. You’ll have an awkward friendship then they’ll suddenly have a proper romance, leaving you shagless and bereft. Should really be called The Dead Zone. 

Relentlessly going to shit bars and clubs

Horny over-18s are a gift to anyone with a shit bar or club. They’ll put up with stupid prices, long queues and overly loud music that makes it impossible to talk to anyone anyway. You certainly did. And possibly paid thousands of pounds for a getting-laid-rate of about 1% or probably zero.

Being relentlessly funny 

Making someone laugh gave the youthful you the wrong impression they were really into you. However it’s extremely tiring and no guarantee of sexual success. Older and wiser, you now realise that relationships are better if you can have a laugh together, but you don’t need to be a cross between Bob Monkhouse and a court jester.

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Man had only just finished last year's f**king pasta

A MAN who had only just worked his way through last year’s stockpiled pasta is now wearily heading out to buy another carful. 

Tom Logan has spent months diligently munching his way through stockpiled pasta, drinking tea with long-life milk and wiping his arse on a pallet of toilet rolls, and had almost cleared the backlog, but now he has to get more. 

He said: “Oh for f**k’s sake. Again? I’d almost cleared enough of the garage to get to my mountain bike. 

“I was actually looking forward to just going the shops and picking myself a ready meal for that night again, instead of boiling up yet more fusilli and opening another jar of Ragu. But I can see which way the wind’s blowing. 

“So now I’m off down the supermarket to load three trolleys with non-perishable goods again, because this country’s too incompetent to keep supermarket shelves full. 

“Once again there’ll be old people going without while I’ll have a year’s supply of flour cluttering up the place. When will it bloody end?” 

Logan then sighed, loaded his Volvo estate with bags-for-life, and reversed out of his drive to get to Asda before all those idiot panic-buyers do.