Coronation chicken and other disgusting as f**k sandwich fillings

ARE you the kind of freak who loves eating hideous sloppy sandwich fillings when you could just have cheese and ham? Here are some horrors you’ll love.

Coronation chicken

In 1953 a British cordon bleu chef named Rosemary Hume decided that bits of chicken swimming in a gloopy sea of mayonnaise, sultanas and curry powder was a sane way to celebrate the coronation of Elizabeth II. The fact that people eat it now proves we are still mad as a nation.

Fish paste

Who doesn’t enjoy eating a creamy puree made from a mysterious mix of chemically broken-down fish? People with a normal gag reflex, that’s who. This paste is most beloved of those who were born before the BLT was invented and think two thin slices of white bread slathered in this offensive goop constitutes a decent lunch.

Pre-made cheese and onion

A favourite of railway stations and office shops. A cheese sandwich is fine, so why f**k it up by mixing it into a sludge of microscopically grated cheese and onion and cheap mayonnaise? Aside from being vile to eat it will make your breath stink, especially if you’re at work and the only other thing you’ve been consuming all day is coffee.

Peanut butter and marmite

The disgusting filling of choice for hipsters who love to be different to the point that they will force down this hideous combination simply because no one else has thought of it. The truth is other people have thought of it, and have rejected it due to the fact that mixing two brown, viscous spreads with wildly opposing taste profiles together makes them want to vomit. 

Anything from Subway

Subway bread contains so much sugar that it can’t legally be defined as bread, so God knows what the rest of the slop they cram between it is made of. You could jam several cheap sausages between two slices of Battenberg and the result would be tastier and more nutritionally balanced.

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The overweight guy's guide to going topless in public

IF you’re an overweight, overconfident man and you’re outdoors, it’s time to get that shirt off and flaunt that impressive belly. Here are some tips on how best to do it:

Have the self-confidence of a man with visible abs

Yes, technically you have breasts, but who cares? In the park or pub beer garden let everyone stare at you with awe and attraction. You are God’s gift to women, particularly after a large amount of Stella, which is great for improving your body confidence.

Pair your naked torso with shorts two sizes too small

Being naked from the waist up simply isn’t enough. Pick shorts that barely fasten and are mostly hidden by a hairy, overhanging stomach. It’s all about making sure every part of your body is as visible as possible, as everyone definitely wants to see it.

Make sure you’re in a crowded place

It’s no good keeping your sweaty torso to suitable spaces like the beach – people innocently going about their daily business need to see it, too. A busy high street is good, or a supermarket. Make sure as many people as possible get to see this supersized Adonis.

Don’t worry about being extremely sweaty or sunburnt

Vast amounts of sweat are healthy and show your body is working efficiently, although you may start to smell a bit as the day wears on. As for lobster-look sunburn, this just shows you’re the sort of rugged alpha male who isn’t troubled by a bit of extreme discomfort. Again, plenty of alcohol helps.

Do something inappropriate

Invade some personal space. Draw a hilarious face on your belly and show it to people. Fish around in your bellybutton and inspect the findings. This is your moment – live it up!