Millions exercise judgement not to be arsed to wear masks

MILLIONS of Britons have carefully weighed the pros and cons of wearing masks and decided ‘F**k it, if we don’t have to, let’s not’.

Using their sense of personal responsibility, they feel that the minor inconvenience of putting a small piece of cloth over their nose and mouth is not worth it to save the lives of thousands of people, including themselves.

Sales executive Stephen Malley said: “There have been countless peer-reviewed papers, information campaigns and health warnings, all of which are worthy of consideration.

“However, everything really boils down to one fundamental question: do I really give a f**k? And my considered response is ‘nah’.”

Shop assistant Nikki Hollis said: Boris Johnson got it disastrously wrong about six times when it comes to the pandemic. What are the odds he’d be wrong a seventh time? They have to be astronomical. No one can be wrong that often.

“I’ve thought about it as hard as I can be arsed to. Off comes the mask.”

Pensioner Norman Steele said: “Frankly, I think wearing a mask now, after our government has basically told us not to bother, is just being plain ‘woke’. I’ll tell you who else wore masks – the IRA and the Angry Brigade, that’s who.

“I can’t be doing with masks anymore. Yes, people die but as long as it’s in Birmingham or somewhere, who cares?”

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Six things better than sex when you're in your 40s

IN THEORY you’re totally down to f**k, but since you turned 40 there’s so much that’s more satisfying than making the beast with two backs: 

An empty sink

Imagine waking up for work without the washing-up waiting for you. Making a cuppa without first scraping the greasy sediment of take-away scum from your bowl. The deep pleasure of not eying last night’s burned-on lasagne as you eat cereal. Sexy times.

Watching a full movie

Remember the time before kids? Those heady evenings when you could devote a full 120 minutes to the suspension of disbelief? And now, on a rare night when the kids are asleep, you’re expected to cut The Meg short just to have sex? F**k that. Whole movie, uninterrupted, start to finish. What a horny way to spend a night.

Ironing your clothes and putting your T-shirts on hangers

You kinky bastard. Reaching into the wardrobe for a clean pressed shirt and feeling the erotic thrill of the fabric beneath your fingers. Glancing at the empty washing basket with satiated pride. You did that, you provocative little beast. And you deserve it.

Drinking

The anticipation of sex can give you a buzz all evening, but so can a nicely chilled Riesling. And you can make it last an hour then open another bottle, which is very much not the case with sex anymore. So uncork with abandon and let it do what it wants to your body.

Reading

You used to be a voracious reader. Now you manage 15 minutes on a good night, and a third of that’s spent trying to remember who’s who. God, imagine the sensual thrill of being in bed early, your partner already asleep, and finishing a whole chapter. So arousing.

A bunch of other things that need no explanation

Hot pizza. Cold pizza. Sunny weather on a bank holiday weekend. Affordable curtain rails. Calling a support centre and not having to hold. Remembering where you put your glasses. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.