All New Homes To Smell Of Toffee And Urine

ALL new homes will be made from boiled sweets and smell of piss and chopped pork, to ensure they are suitable for the elderly, the government said last night. 

Houses will have to be full of prunes, high in fibre and rich in cod liver oil to keep their occupants regular and their joints supple.

The name of each room will be written in large type on the door accompanied by an additional sign which reads, 'your glasses are on your head'.

And under its 'Lifetime Homes, Lifetime Neighbourhoods' plan the government also wants to make entire areas suitable for the elderly by keeping them clear of Irish, tinkers and blacks.

Housing minister Caroline Flint said: "Yes, this is your home dear, you’ve lived here four years now, no the toilets inside – downstairs, by the front door.

"I don’t think your husband will be home from work soon. He’s dead you see. Now don’t get like that, it was years ago, you remember, complications with the operation. Piles.

"No, I don’t think they smell. I don't actually live next door to any, no. I’m with the government. No, I’ve not met her. Yes, I’m sure she was very good for the country. I’m with the other side. Labour. No, you fuck off."

Wayne Hayes, from charity Old Age Concern, said he now spent most of his time sorting out housing issues for the elderly. "Whining, ungrateful bastards," he added.

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Children Admit To Being Little Shits

MORE than 90% of British children are unbearable little shits, according to new research.

In a survey of 3,000 school pupils, nine out of 10 said they were an annoying little shit at least twice a day, while three-quarters said they enjoyed it more than chips.

Teachers' leaders said they were not surprised by the figures as they have been stressing for years just how awful children really are.

A National Union of Teachers spokesman said: "Seriously, they are unbelievably ghastly and dreadful."

Wayne Hayes, a 12 year-old from Watford, said: "I like to ride my bike in a zig-zag motion in front of drivers and then, when they finally get past me, I like to give them the finger and call them wankers."

He added: "I have been alive for more than 12 years and have therefore earned the right to do whatever I want."

His classmate, Nathan Muir, said: "I like to write my name on other people's property, especially if it's brand new. I also like to get drunk and fire my airgun at cats."

He added: "Fuck you."

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "For years we have struggled with the question of why juvenile behavioural standards have deteriorated so significantly.

"It turns out it's because they're a bunch of little shits."