ALL new homes will be made from boiled sweets and smell of piss and chopped pork, to ensure they are suitable for the elderly, the government said last night.
Houses will have to be full of prunes, high in fibre and rich in cod liver oil to keep their occupants regular and their joints supple.
The name of each room will be written in large type on the door accompanied by an additional sign which reads, 'your glasses are on your head'.
And under its 'Lifetime Homes, Lifetime Neighbourhoods' plan the government also wants to make entire areas suitable for the elderly by keeping them clear of Irish, tinkers and blacks.
Housing minister Caroline Flint said: "Yes, this is your home dear, you’ve lived here four years now, no the toilets inside – downstairs, by the front door.
"I don’t think your husband will be home from work soon. He’s dead you see. Now don’t get like that, it was years ago, you remember, complications with the operation. Piles.
"No, I don’t think they smell. I don't actually live next door to any, no. I’m with the government. No, I’ve not met her. Yes, I’m sure she was very good for the country. I’m with the other side. Labour. No, you fuck off."
Wayne Hayes, from charity Old Age Concern, said he now spent most of his time sorting out housing issues for the elderly. "Whining, ungrateful bastards," he added.