Animals obstructing progress again

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is once again standing in the way of logging, beef farming and fossil fuel extraction, industry has confirmed. 

Despite their declining numbers, obscure species like the Patagonian fox-wolf and a boring type of ochre-coloured bear still stand in the way of companies working to transform their dank, hostile habitats into products useful or tasty.

Logging company CEO Roy Hobbs said: “No matter how much rainforest we cut down, there’s acres riddled with odd-looking time-wasting creatures that make a real mess when mulched up in heavy machinery.

“I personally spent half this morning picking bits of some slow-moving marsupial dog out of caterpillar tracks, ruining my chinos into the bargain.

“Probably most of these species haven’t even been named. Although I collectively call them ‘f**kers’.”

Experts estimate that there are as many as 10,000 species that despite being completely obsolete in any evolutionary sense insist on clinging selfishly to life.

Prof Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve no problem with ‘proper’ animals like dogs, horses, or chickens, but all the random shit out there serves no useful purpose and doesn’t even taste nice. 

“If you never even knew we had them you won’t miss them, right? Anyway half of them are bloody insects.” 

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Reform ahead of Tory party in contest of the ugliest bastards

REFORM have narrowly edged ahead of the Conservatives in a battle to be Britain’s most unelectable right-wing arseholes.

Nigel Farage’s party are now the ones 18 points behind Labour and will also be defeated heavily at the general election, which is an incredible step forward for them.

Farage said: “Well, who’s the opposition doomed to a catastrophic loss and a decade out of government now, bitches? 

“When voters walk to the polls next month, trying to choose between an inoffensive centrist and a bunch of right-wing headbangers with nothing to offer but rabid, glint-eyed xenophobia, it’ll be my face that swims into their head and causes them to vote Labour. Ha!

“We’re fractionally less repellent than the Tories, which is obviously cause for great celebration. Now you have no choice but to hand the Conservatives over to me, who might get elected for the first time on my eighth try.

“Yes, you’ll probably have a hundred or so MPs and I might have two, one of whom was your deputy chairman until March, but be in no doubt I hold the whip hand.

“Can we delay my annexing your party like Adolf in ’38 until November? Only I’m in the US helping a convicted felon who tried to overthrow democracy get elected.”