Anywhere getting snow must have done something to deserve it, say southerners

THE north of England and Scotland are only getting snow because they have done something terrible, southerners believe. 

The snows which have fallen across Scotland and the north are probably punishment for lack of economic success or backward political views, according to the righteous.

Helen Archer, from Gloucester, said: “I live in a nice area, I work hard, and the climate here is balmy and pleasant. That’s not coincidence.

“Perhaps this latest snowfall will make them clean up their act and start doing things right, but I doubt it. Sadly, they just don’t want to learn.”

London estate agent Stephen Malley agreed: “Apparently it’s not just snow, it’s hail, which you would think would bang the message into their thick heads.

“I don’t know exactly what they’ve done wrong but there’s no doubt they’ve brought this on themselves.”

Northerner Tom Logan said: “Aye, lad, divvn’ be nesh, only a bit o’ snow.

“This is exactly the kind of thing they mean, isn’t it?”

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Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, I'm being mocked by a pig-molester

Dear Holly,
That bastard David Cameron thinks it’s so funny to laugh at the ambiguous pronunciation of my name. I’m not sure what is worse: being mocked by an oily toff for being a shameless middle-class social-climber; or being mocked by an obsequious pig-molester for being a dreadful tosser. Either way, it hurts my feelings and I want revenge. Can you help?
Nigel F,

Dear Nigel,
In these situations I always think: what would Taylor Swift do? She’d probably go all up in your face on Twitter and prompt all her frenemies like Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj to make witless, bitchy tweets about feminism and then she’d write a catchy pop tune about how she’d been wronged but that she was coming back stronger and she’d accompany it with a risqué angry explosion video with racist overtones and an ironic cameo by Vladimir Putin and then she’d win a Grammy for it and make millions of dollars but she’d STILL be hollow inside because everyone in the ENTIRE world hates her, even Bruno Mars.
Hope that helps,