Arctic To Be Just Lovely

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

Measurements taken near the North Pole show the ice caps are melting as planned and will soon make way for miles of open jet ski lanes and first class snorkelling.

Polar explorer and property developer Tom Logan said: "In just a few short years this breath-taking landscape of pointless snow and ice will disappear to be replaced by millions and millions of those inflatable chairs with the handy cup holders.

"And once we've assassinated all the furious polar bears, the north coast of Greenland will be an excellent spot for deluxe timeshare developments and family-focused leisure concepts."

Researchers were alerted to the acceleration in Arctic temperatures after spotting a Katz Karaoke Bar 300 miles north of Norway, filled with a cackling horde of pissed-up temps from Bethnal Green.

Dr Logan said: "Any rise in temperature is accompanied by an immediate infestation of loud and horrendous British women.

"While I admire their frontier spirit, watching the Aurora Borealis pierce the polar night while some skank called Nikki screeched her way through If I Were a Boy is a moment I am utterly desperate to forget."

Anti-seaside holiday activists claimed the increase in temperature is a bad thing, but property experts insisted they were only saying that because they had fat, puffy legs and looked hellish in a two-piece swimsuit.

Meanwhile trawlerman Charlie Reeves welcomed the impending warmth, adding: "I don't know if any of you beard-juggling dolphin humpers has tried moving your bowels in a force nine gale when it's minus 30 outside?

"Spraying my clackers with antifreeze and then prying my bumflaps off the seat with a spatula is not a productive use of my time."

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Angry Cheryl Fans Demand Real Miming

CHERYL Cole has angered fans after it emerged she will perform on the X-Factor using a remote controlled, animatronic mouth to mimic the appearance of live miming.

On this Saturday's show Cole will perform her debut solo single, Fight for this Nightlcub Toilet, while standing behind the computerised mouth as a team of specialists use long syringes to fire fake tears into the corners of her eyes.

An X-Factor spokesman said: "For performers of Cheryl's stature, it is now standard practice to use a state-of-the-art pseudo-mouth.

"Rest assured, we've picked out a lovely, wide juicy one, not some tiny Dot Cotton thing that looks like a cat's bumhole.

"It's made of latex rubber and acrylic polymers and can be controlled from up to 300ft away. We basically just strap it to her face and turn on the music. All she has to do is waggle her legs around for about three and a half minutes."

He added: "It can get a bit messy during rehearsals because Cheryl often confuses it for her own mouth and tries to push little sausages into it."

Meanwhile, TV watchdogs described Cole's animatronic mouth as part of a worrying trend where producers use sophisticated technology to make performers appear talented, or in some cases, human.

An Ofcom spokesman: "Hands up who knew that Kate Thornton is actually a heavily-photoshopped settee, or that Philip Schofield is a part-wolf cyclops covered in psoriasis?"

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