Friday, 14th May 2021

Bank Holiday didn't count because it rained

YESTERDAY’S Bank Holiday did not count because it pissed down all day so can be taken in lieu today, the government has announced. 

Millions of Britons who had planned to spend the day drinking in gardens and parks were devastated by bad weather and forced to drink inside their own homes or, in some desperate cases, resort to a Zoom quiz.

Faced with demands for reparations from furious citizens, the government has agreed that given the conditions, an alternative day off can be taken at any time during the next 14 days and employers do not even have to be informed.

Julian Cook of Warwick said: “After the year we’ve had, it’s unacceptable to spend yet another day trapped in with the kids staring out at hammering rain while swigging gin.

“I, and a number of other people likewise afflicted, had joined together to take legal action against those who allowed this to happen, but a settlement has now been reached.

“If there was rainfall of between 4mm and 8mm an hour for three or more consecutive hours in your area, then the Bank Holiday is declared null and void. You may take it at your leisure over the next fortnight. It’s a victory for the common man.”

A government spokesman said: “We’ve paid half the country’s wages for the last year anyway, so f**k it, why not?”