Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

Spider Nikki Hollis and homeowner Tom Logan had an unofficial pact that she would not be thrown out of the window if she stayed perfectly visible down the side of the toilet at all times.

Logan said: “I didn’t really want the hassle of catching her and I thought she understood this without the need for an official meeting.

“The cornerstone of spider-human relations is that they can be in the bathroom but they cannot ever move, or at least if they do they must be back in the same place before you wake up.

“Now I don’t know where the fuck she is and I’m a lot more scared than I would have been if I’d just caught her in a Tupperware container last night.

“She’ll probably be on my face tonight while I’m asleep, laying spider eggs in my hair.”

Nikki Hollis said: “Actually I’ll be in the shower curtain later, ready to pounce.”

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Naive man thinks Tories care about things

A MAN takes Tory proposals that are obviously just public relations exercises completely at face value, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, invariably accepts the party’s claims they will improve the environment or help people, as if they are real policies the Tories give a toss about.

Bishop said: “It’s brilliant Michael Gove is doing something about air pollution. I expect it’s been a personal dream of his and he’s been consulting with environmentalists for years to make sure he gets it right.

“It’s like when Theresa May promised to improve mental health services. It’s obviously something she cares deeply about and not just a cynical attempt to make her look less like a cyborg.

“It’s a bit odd we haven’t heard more about that, but I suppose Theresa has been really busy with Brexit and her three-week holiday.

“The Tories are always saying how much they want to help ‘just about managing’ families, so I expect they’ve got loads of really useful, practical policies in the pipeline.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a bit tragic listening to Martin. He still thinks David Cameron fucked about in the Arctic because he cares passionately about global warming.”