A guide to American 'food' imports

IF Britain strikes a trade deal with the US, what low-quality food will be on your menu?

Pig-flavour Chunky Bits
Made from the parts of pigs no one knew existed, such as the ‘inner flange’ and the ‘duct hole’. The resulting product tastes so unlike pork it has to be flavoured with the equally mysterious ‘bacon concentrate’.

American chocolate
Actually a form of edible plastic, American chocolate is incredibly sweet with a watery, milk-like flavour that leaves an oily residue in your mouth. Preferred by most Americans to real chocolate because they actively enjoy nausea.

Artificial fruit encompassing everything from apples and orange to figs and lychees. Using a complex chemical process, compacted lard is made into objects that look identical to real fruit but are flavoured with pungent chemicals normally used in air fresheners.

Made from waste parts of fish including fins and eyeballs, Fisho is almost indistinguishable in taste and texture from cheap real fillets and contains 9,800 calories per serving.

Mom’s Traditional Southern-style Hickory Beef
Highly toxic meat substitute made from gravel softened in ammonia. Flavoured with the chemical DBT 11, originally developed as a defoliant during the Vietnam War.

Dairyfresh Cheese
A vast army of lawyers employed by the Dairyfresh Cheese Corporation prevents anyone in the US finding out the cheese is actually made from bleached and disinfected moose excrement. Hugely popular despite its bland ‘nothing’ taste.

Little is known about the exact contents of ‘meat’ except that its manufacturer, The ‘Meat’ Company of Detroit, busses in large numbers of homeless people to work at its vast rendering plant.

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Corbyn attacks media for accurately representing his views on Brexit

JEREMY Corbyn has criticised the media for taking his remarks about the UK and the Single Market entirely in context.

The Labour leader said a Guardian report on his comments on the Andrew Marr show was “riddled with factual accuracies” and claimed the media were trying to drive a wedge between him and his core supporters by presenting his views accurately.

Corbyn added: “If you take the trouble to read what I actually said about the Single Market, the Customs Union and migration rather than they way my words were reported in the media, you’ll see that they’re pretty much identical.

“And there’s the problem. They make me look like someone with a long history of Euroscepticism at odds with the vast majority of my supporters. Whereas nothing could be nearer to the truth.”

Corbyn also took the press to task for referring to him as the MP for Islington. “It seems so posh. Why couldn’t they say I was MP for Durham or somewhere like that?

“Also, why do all the photos show me with a beard? It’s a deliberate attempt to make me look like a beardy lefty.”