THE UKs bats are not having sex because they find each other weird-looking.
As it emerged that the bat population is plummeting, bats explained that this is because they would much rather do it with other species.
Horseshoe bat Roy Hobbs said: “Even the hottest lady bat still looks like a tiny dog with a melted nose and two bits of leather stapled to its shoulders.
“I’d much rather bang a cat. Or maybe a horse, they’re very sleek aren’t they?”
Common pipistrelle bat Mary Fisher said: “I find foxes quite sexy, and even rabbits. Probably because, unlike bats, they don’t look like loads of different species haphazardly welded together.
“If bats are going to survive, we need to get past the fact that we look fucked-up.
“Personally it’s about sexual creativity in the belfry. My partner and I try different things like smearing each other with insect juice and licking it off.
“Also, flying is very exhausting and often you just want to hang suspended by your claws. That’s why it’s important to make ‘us time’ to do things like eating a hairy moth together.”