Bees to be privatised

BRITAIN’S bees are to be privatised in a bid to reverse their decline.

The insects have been hit in recent years by a huge drop in productivity, mass redundancies, and the collapse of traditional honeymaking communities, and the move is aimed at getting the ailing bee industry back on track.

Beehives will be rebranded as ‘Apiary Solutions’ and the bees will get a new uniform of regulation grey, updating the traditional yellow and black outfits that bees have worn since the 1950s.

They will also be assessed on aspects of their performance by a new regulatory body, Ofswarm.

Nathan Muir, director of free market think tank Urethra, said: “The traditional neighbourhood bee – buzzing about, collecting honey, occasionally stinging people who threaten the hive, maintaining a crucial balance between plants and animals in a precarious ecosystem – is a hopelessly outdated relic.

“For instance, the idea of a lone bee collecting pollen is absurd. Privatisation will allow us to to glue three or four bees together into one ‘megabee’ that will collect five times the amount of pollen of a 20th Century bee.”

He added: “Privatisation has trasformed so many organisations that barely worked to organisations that are very good at pretending they do.

“The problem with the natural world is, and always has been, that it doesn’t grasp the importance of free markets. Bees are just the start.”

A bee spokesman said ‘bzzzz’ before doing a sad little dance.


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Loads of people like totally agree wivat pissed bird on the tram

THAT pissed bird on that video, right, was like totally spot on, wun’t she, it was confirmed last night.

Everyone’s sayin’ like, you know, maybe she shouldn’t have been swearin’ so much wiv a little kiddie on her lap an’ all that, but she wun’t far wrong wuz she.

This bloke Dave, who does a bit of plasterin’ for Big Andy, said: “I fuckin’ can’t get no fuckin’ job cuz of all them Nicoogaragruans. Fuckin’ everywhere int they?

“I wanna work. I fuckin’ do. I wanna work. But there’s always some fuckin’ Nicaroogaran who gets the fuckin’ job instead of me just ’cause they turn up on fuckin’ time and can say ‘Nicragugarra’.”

Steve, who’s been doin’ that Mandy from the pub, added: “That bird on the tram, right, where wuz all the English? Where wuz all them white people that should have been standin’ up for her? Ain’t no fuckin’ English left now is there?

“Maybe I’ll go to fuckin’ Niroogacargua and take their fuckin’ jobs.”

Meanwhile, get this right, the fuckin’ rozzers have only gone and nicked her cuz she wuz speakin’ what we wuz all thinkin’ wun’t she.

Everyone was like totally gonna put somefink on the Daily Mail website but they’s not takin’ any comments for some reason.

Dave’s mum said: “I just feel sorry for that little kiddie. Havinta go on a tram wiv all them dirty Niracoogurans.”