BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.
The mountain, which has grown a metre since Wednesday’s budget, is expected to draw itself up to its full 6,000m height and stagger south to London if any further threats are made to Scotland’s lifeblood.
Geologist Roy Hobbs said: “Ben Nevis is not dead, only sleeping, and has promised to awaken if Scotland’s heritage is ever menaced.
“Oddly, that’s not happened with various massacres or the last three centuries of subjugation to English rule, but will trigger if there’s an 8p-per-can tax on Irn Bru.
“Current theories are that the mountain is sleeping off a tectonic hangover and wants to be sure there’s plenty of rusty orange restorative for when it wakes up, but nobody knows for sure.”
He added: “Just in case, I’d advise the Chancellor away from any tax on Tunnock’s Teacakes, Tennant’s Super obviously, shortbread or the Glaswegian ‘munchy box’.”