Brexit food shortages to turn allotment owners into gods

THE UK’s coming food shortages will make the nation’s allotment gardeners into the undisputed rulers of the country, experts have confirmed.

As rocketing prices and scarcity of produce become increasingly likely in the wake of Brexit, those with the ability to grow their own fruit and vegetables are poised to receive the universal adulation they always believed they deserved.

62-year-old Norman Steele, who grows the largest marrows in Lincolnshire, said: “I will wield my power with compassion and clemency.

“My organic broccoli will be dispensed to anyone who needs it, favouring anyone not related to those kids who call me a ‘cardigan nonce’. They can starve.

“And I shouldn’t think I’ll be short of attention from the ladies when I’m the only source of vitamins for miles around. I’ll be banging like a shed door in the wind, which reminds me I must get that fixed.”

Keen allotment gardener and Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “My prize-winning turnips are not the reason why I support a hard Brexit. I do that because of… other things.

“Though he’s right about it attracting women.”