Britain braced for classic rock weather front

THE Met Office has warned that southern England is about to be hit by the sort of cross-fire hurricanes not seen since Mick Jagger was born.

These unusual climatic conditions are the result of the tail end of Typhoon Dylan which has seen the Eastern US battered by hard rain and idiot winds.

Meteorologists believe the severe weather could continue with a storm on Monday, that Tuesday will be just as bad and Wednesday worse, with the outlook for Thursday also described as “sad”.

The public is being advised to get some shelter and stay away from railroad tracks due to a severe risk of being thunderstruck and left shaking at the knees.

Driving is likely to be hazardous due to the storm and the psychotic hitchhikers mysteriously drawn to it.

A Met Office spokesman said, “Avoid dead end streets where deadbeats meet as there is a risk of such areas being hit by white lightning.”

He added: “Something’s blowing in my head, winter’s ice it soon will spread.”

Electrician Tom Logan from Liverpool said: “The weathermen are always predicting a hurricane but in the end it is usually more akin to something by Mumford & Sons.”

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Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

Dear Holly,

I’ve just come out of a long and tempestuous relationship and I’m worried about getting back into the dating game. Although I am strikingly attractive, it is pretty obvious that I am more high maintenance than a Formula 1 racing car. I need a man who appreciates that with great beauty and power comes the risk of a fatal car crash. Do you think Richard Hammond is single?

Nicole Scherzinger


Dear Nicole,

In prehistoric times, before my mummy and daddy got together, you used to have to actually go on dates with people and ask them questions about their morals and check out if they had halitosis or BO before getting married. Thankfully, because of iPhones and social media and the increasing threat of Ebola, you don’t actually have to meet anyone in person, EVER. So as long as your heavily edited Facebook profile makes you appear delightful it doesn’t matter if you are actually a dreadful headbanger.

Hope that helps,