Britain doing shit it would never do if it wasn't hot

BRITAIN is throwing itself into murky ponds and wearing bright yellow shorts just because it is hotter than normal, it has emerged.

Across the country, millions are indulging in out-of-character activities like sitting outside where there is no television, buying ice lollies for the whole office and speaking to strangers, all because of the temperature.

Martin Bishop of Hounslow said: “It was so hot I tore off all my clothes and leapt into a lake I later discovered, from reading the signs, was toxic to life.

“It was great, really cool and fresh, though I do have a 13-inch scratch from submerged barbed wire that’s going green. And blue.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I rarely drink, but it’s so lovely I had nine glasses of white wine in a beer garden in the blazing sun.

“Predictably this resulted in heat stroke and a headache that feels like someone drilling into my brain. Still, the sunburn might turn into a tan if all my skin doesn’t fall off.”

Graphic designer Tom Logan agreed: “Usually my stylish clothes are the envy of the office. But today I’m in socks with sandals, a sleeveless vest and cargo shorts that make me look like a Bangkok sex tourist.

“This must be why foreigners are the way they are. I don’t know how they stand it.”

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Today not the day for blame, say right-wing hatemongers

BRITONS should not turn against each other but remain united in love, according to prominent right-wing extremists keen to move on. 

Commentators including Nigel Farage have told the country that we cannot fight terrible crimes like this by ‘giving in to those who peddle hatred and division’.

Farage said: “Now is not the time to frighten people with large posters depicting ‘hordes’ of ‘Turkish immigrants’ who are actually Syrian refugees, fleeing for their lives.

“And now is certainly not the time to describe those refugees as ‘cockroaches’. We must not allow ourselves to get caught up in the politics of identity practiced by those who think there are pathetically simplistic solutions to everything, such as closing our borders and quitting the EU.”

Meanwhile, former EDL leader Tommy Robinson, real name Krystof Razynski, added: “We should all have respect enough to maintain a dignified silence until it is time to move on and discuss it no further. Probably tomorrow.

“Sorry, my phone went. I have news alerts set up so I can tweet about Muslims 24 hours a day.”