Christ on a f**king bike, it’s boiling though, confirms Britain

BRITAIN has confirmed it is panting like a dog and that hot weather is stupid and wrong.

With temperatures topping 30 degrees centigrade, the country is spending the day shifting uncomfortably in its own sticky mess.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I managed to break into a sweat by sitting perfectly still at my desk, so any activity will make me look like I ran through a carwash.

“Meanwhile, my colleague Geoff continues to observe a hygiene routine more typically found in a medieval serf during a two-year siege. Spiffing.”

The Met Office has advised people to drink plenty of water, avoid the midday sun and to comment every eight seconds that it is the humidity more than the heat that gets to you.

The heatwave is expected to last until Friday, at which point the country will be a lawless desert filled with wretched savages fighting to the death over a box of Mini Milks.

Hollis added: “It’s not all bad. This evening I get to spend 35 minutes on a very busy train.”

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Kensington Council holds emergency wine and cheese reception

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

Council leader Nicholas Paget-Brown has put the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower disaster at the top of the agenda just as soon as everyone has had a taste of some delightful goat’s cheese from the Dordogne.

Paget-Brown, who has personally donated a fondue fountain to the relief efforts, admitted that co-ordinating the event at short notice had been ‘challenging’.

He said: “Pairing Chardonnay with cheese is incredibly difficult and can often lead to fundamental errors.

“Imagine serving up a Chablis or Montrachet with Roquefort. Now that is a crime.”

Meanwhile, Paget-Brown also suggested that survivors could be fitted out with cladding to make them less unsightly to their neighbours.