BRITAIN has confirmed it is panting like a dog and that hot weather is stupid and wrong.
With temperatures topping 30 degrees centigrade, the country is spending the day shifting uncomfortably in its own sticky mess.
Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I managed to break into a sweat by sitting perfectly still at my desk, so any activity will make me look like I ran through a carwash.
“Meanwhile, my colleague Geoff continues to observe a hygiene routine more typically found in a medieval serf during a two-year siege. Spiffing.”
The Met Office has advised people to drink plenty of water, avoid the midday sun and to comment every eight seconds that it is the humidity more than the heat that gets to you.
The heatwave is expected to last until Friday, at which point the country will be a lawless desert filled with wretched savages fighting to the death over a box of Mini Milks.
Hollis added: “It’s not all bad. This evening I get to spend 35 minutes on a very busy train.”