Britain not enjoying rainswept weekend as much as it thought it would

THE UK is not enjoying a weekend of rain, wind and cool temperatures as much as it anticipated it would last week. 

After five sweltering days checking the BBC weather app waiting for the glorious miracle of sky-water to arrive, the country awoke to rain-lashed windows and was unaccountably down about it.

Ryan Whittaker of Dunstable said: “On Thursday I lay spreadeagled in my garden and prayed for rain. I begged for it. But now it’s here, it’s as shit as ever.

“I’m stumping around inside, miserable, looking out there thinking ‘Call this a summer?’ and ‘That’s my barbecue ruined’, when yesterday I ate inside with the curtains closed because the heat was so f**king unbearable.

“Last week I swore I’d dance around in the rain, clad only in boxers, whooping with delight at its invigorating kiss on my burnt shoulders. Instead I’ve just run out to the bin holding a plastic bag over my head.

“Though I suppose it will ruin everyone’s weekend at Latitude. Ah, that’s put a smile on my face.”

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Man could be an Olympian if he was disciplined, good at sport, and 30 years younger

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

The only things preventing 45-year-old Martin Bishop becoming a highly decorated Olympian are several insurmountable realities, all of which he is ignoring to maintain his delusions of youth and fitness.

Bishop said: “So what if I showed no sporting promise in my youth and nowadays get exhausted just by putting on my socks? A few laps around the track should fix that in no time.

“And if I hire a personal trainer they’ll keep me focused. I’ve actually been meaning to work with one for a while but life gets in the way. You know how it is, you look at Facebook for five minutes and before you know it a decade has flown by.

“If I put in loads of effort, which I know I won’t, then it’s bound to pay off retroactively. Otherwise I’ll have to face facts and realise that I’m an old, talentless loser who will be forgotten by history.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “If they introduce eating Domino’s on the sofa as a sport at the next Olympics then Martin’s still got time. He’ll win gold for sure.”