Britain hit by entirely typical weather

BRITAIN will experience a lot of rain over the next few weeks because that is what happens at this time of year.

Meteorologists believe that summer, a spell of wet days commonly defined as a season, will be more or less exactly what you would expect.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The amount of water on the ground will increase significantly and some places may experience far too much water.

“People who live in low lying areas may have quite a lot of water in their living rooms.

“The transport system will be disrupted.

“Because it’s summer.”

He added: “There’s a high probability that this will be followed by another sudden, weather-related phenomenon known as autumn.”

Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “In case of floods, buy a step ladder, meanwhile carry an umbrella, wear a hat, or just stay inside.”

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Scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes

OLIVES are just normal grapes that have become evil, researchers have found.

Food scientists discovered that olives started off as everyday red or white grapes that were then possessed by a Babylonian demon named ‘Pazuzu’ that wants mankind to suffer.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Olives are basically the evil twin of the grape. They are grapes that have no moral fibre and are therefore easy prey for Pazuzu. The demon then makes them salty, bitter and a bit rubbery – and he does it for fun.

“Deep inside, they are still grapes but they can’t remember what it feels like. We tried performing an exorcism on an olive but it just sat there mocking us with all kinds of disgusting profanities.”

Green olive, Martin Bishop, said: “Soon we shall be in your smoothies and juices. One day we will make everything taste a bit manky.”