Brown 'Frantic With Worry' Over State Of Britain's Lawns

THE long spell of wet weather has prompted Prime Minister Gordon Brown to order a full-scale review of the nation's lawns.

Brown is understood to be 'frantic with worry' that people will cut their grass when it is still wet, leaving large clumps which then cause uneven colour and texture.

According to the Number 10 policy unit the 'doomsday scenario' occurs when people leave the grass because it is wet, but it then becomes so long that they refuse to cut it because it is 'too hard'.

Brown wants to bring in outside experts and MPs from other parties to sit on the new British Lawn Commission which will produce a series of recommendations for Parliament before the next general election.

The Prime Minister's spokesman said: "Everyone knows that a good lawn is the cornerstone of a successful society.

"If you walk down a street of well-tended lawns you feel happy and decent.

"If you walk down a street filled with untidy or overgrown lawns you assume the residents are all ghastly and immoral. Probably drug dealers and/or pimps."

The spokesman said the commission would be Brown's first priority over the next 12 months, adding: "He's not just the prime minister of you, he's the prime minister of your lawn."

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'Blair Stood On His Desk Shouting War! War! War!'

TONY Blair's decision to go to war in Iraq, "couldn't have been easier", according to his former spin doctor Alastair Campbell. 

Campbell's diaries, published this week, reveal a prime minister 'giddy with excitement' at the prospect of a full-scale invasion and describe how Blair used innovative tactics to win over Labour colleagues.

His entry for 1 February, 2003 reads: "Did a number on Charles Clarke (former education secretary) today. He comes in saying he's not happy about Iraq.

"Tony talks him through the WMDs and the fact that Saddam's a shit. Clarke's still not keen, so Tony just stares at him for a full minute and then starts pounding the desk and chanting 'war, war, war'.

"Clarke tries to look away so Tony climbs on top of the desk and starts punching the air shouting 'war! war! war!'. Before you know it Clarke's on his feet, hands up, screaming 'war! war! war!' in unison with the PM."

According to Campbell, Clarke left the the room in a 'euphoric state' saying he wanted to 'remove Saddam's gonads with a cheese knife'.

Campbell also reveals that when Jack Straw, then foreign secretary, raised concerns about the post-invasion strategy, he and Blair would try and drown him out by saying "queer" while pretending to cough at the same time.

Meanwhile the former spin doctor said removing references to Gordon Brown was 'relatively straightforward'.

"I just did a 'find and replace' on the words 'psycho' and 'bastard'."