Cats demand more corners and edges to rub their hairy faces on

BRITAIN’S cats have demanded more corners and edges for them to rub their hairy little cat faces against.

Cats signed a petition stating that all homes should have four sofas with soft corners for them to rub their faces on, plus at least two cardboard boxes for them to rub against and also to sit in for some reason.

Cat Julian Cook said: “I’m a cat, I like to rub my face on things, it’s as simple as that.

“And I like to sit in empty cardboard boxes too, like some sort of mad king in a cardboard castle.”

Other cat Nikki Hollis added: “We’re done with just having two corners on a couch, and the occasional fist made by our owners, to rub our faces on.

“We want a living room that looks like an MC Escher painting. Corners fucking everywhere.

“With a few cushions and throw overs thrown in obviously.”

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Ask Holly: Noel Edmonds told me I could be young forever

Dear Holly,

A few years ago, Noel Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever if I would promise to serve him when the time was right. Naively, I agreed, and he gave me a mysterious bottle of something which tastes a bit like blood but keeps me looking 25. But now I’m in trouble, because he has returned and is demanding I do his bidding and slip some poison into the food I cook for Greg and John on next week’s episode of Masterchef. What should I do? I’ve got such lovely thighs. 



Dear Rachel, 

You’re being blackmailed and so you need to do what the blackmailer is asking you to do or things will be very bad for you. The best defence against the evil blackmailer (aka your big sister) is to quietly get some information which will enable you to counter-blackmail and thus break their hold on you and ensure your parents never ever find out that you were the one who coloured in the dog’s whole head with a red sharpie.

Hope that helps,