Climate change skeptic referring to 1976 in every second sentence

A MAN who does not believe in global warming is referring to his memories of the summer of 1976 almost constantly, witnesses have confirmed. 

58-year-old Norman Steele was 16 in the summer of 1976 and apparently remembers it so vividly he can instantly dispel any conversation about climate change with a relevant snippet.

He said: “Global nowt. You should’ve been here in ’76, mate. I was working on a milk float and we were out 3am to stop it souring in the heat.

“They didn’t even have smokeless zones back then, let alone this wind power bollocks, and the tarmac was melting under your feet. That’s not happening now.

“You think it’s hot? We didn’t have fridges then, or air-conditioning, both of which cool the atmosphere in comparison proving the whole theory’s crap.

“Bath with a friend we used to say in ‘76. Well I don’t see these greenies doing that. Which goes to show.”

Steele is expected to continue to refer to 1976 until rain comes, when he will return to referencing the winter of 1978 every time anyone mentions Jeremy Corbyn.

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Houseplants a complete f**king waste of time

OWNING a houseplant adds absolutely nothing to your life and very little to the houseplant’s, scientists have confirmed. 

Wide-ranging research into the supposed benefits of keeping vegetation around the house has shown that it benefits nobody while wasting time, money, effort and possibly oxygen.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “Even a cat sits on your lap once in a while. Even a fish swims through the castle.

“But houseplants require water, light, soil, and Baby Bio while providing absolutely bugger all in return.

“While dogs or boyfriends need constant attention they usually reward you with some basic affection, maybe a lick to the face every now and then.

“Plants, in contrast, do nothing but shed leaves, attract tiny insects and, eventually, die of neglect making you feel bad. Who needs it?”

He added: “Technically houseplants can produce about one five-hundredth of the oxygen you need per hour. So that’s useful.”