Climate change still not terrifying enough

IF scientists want us to be scared of climate change they are going to have to try a lot harder, it has been confirmed.

And it would have to be a very big one

And it would have to be a very big one

The latest UN climate report warned of food shortages, wild fires and drought and was immediately dismissed by more than 90 percent of people as ‘just a lot of blah’.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I don’t care about any of that. I want to know if there will be crocodiles in my living room. What about the man-eating trees?

“The report also fails to address the issue of widespread spontaneous combustion.

“And what will happen to cheese? Will it still exist and if not, what will become of us?”

A UN spokesman said: “Well, in that case, definitely crocodiles, probably man-eating trees and spontaneous combustion everywhere.

“And yes, there will be no cheese. No. More. Cheese.”

But Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, added: “There’s nothing in here about the imminent return of sabre-toothed tigers and until there is I’m not giving a shit.”