Climate change still not terrifying enough

IF scientists want us to be scared of climate change they are going to have to try a lot harder, it has been confirmed.

The latest UN climate report warned of food shortages, wild fires and drought and was immediately dismissed by more than 90 percent of people as ‘just a lot of blah’.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I don’t care about any of that. I want to know if there will be crocodiles in my living room. What about the man-eating trees?

“The report also fails to address the issue of widespread spontaneous combustion.

“And what will happen to cheese? Will it still exist and if not, what will become of us?”

A UN spokesman said: “Well, in that case, definitely crocodiles, probably man-eating trees and spontaneous combustion everywhere.

“And yes, there will be no cheese. No. More. Cheese.”

But Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, added: “There’s nothing in here about the imminent return of sabre-toothed tigers and until there is I’m not giving a shit.”

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Liverpool six games from being unbearable again

LIVERPOOL fans are on the brink of regaining their status as the most annoying in England.

Once the most feared topic of conversation in Europe, Liverpool have had their sense of smugness eroded for the last 24 years.

But with the team six games from league victory, Steven Gerrard said: “We have the best fans in the world for self-mythologising, so it will be great to give them something to buttonhole complete strangers about.

“If we lift the trophy, for years to come the players’ names will be constantly on the lips of irritating people who have trapped others in the corners of pubs.”

Two teams stand between Liverpool’s fans being unable to just shut up for five minutes. Favourites are Manchester City, whose own supporters are clinging to a sense of superiority over people making the arbitrary decision to support Manchester United instead.

Chelsea also want to derail Liverpool’s attempt at being beyond the pale, and feel that with John Terry and Jose Mourinho involved they are well placed to do so.