Climate hero rejects plastic bag and bravely carries loose shopping to Range Rover

A HEROIC man has eschewed using a plastic bag during a trip to the supermarket and carried the loose items directly to the boot of his huge car.

Julian Cook valiantly rejected the offer of the planet-destroying sack and used his own hands to transport his selection of wines, cheeses and avocados flown in from Peru to his SUV.

Cook said: “I usually just buy four new bags for life every time but I felt inspired by COP 26 to make my own sacrifice to save the planet and took the daunting decision to go completely bagless.

“I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy. Particularly when I got the Range Rover and had to get the car keys out of my pocket with both hands full of shopping. Thank God I parked in a parent and child space so I didn’t have to walk very far.

“It felt really good to know I’d made a difference. In fact, I was still beaming fifteen minutes later when I pulled over to fill up with diesel.

“I’m booking my family of four flights to Antigua today and I’m so pleased I’ve already offset any climate damage that might do.”

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The five worst times to have an erection

OUTSIDE a very limited set of circumstances, becoming randomly aroused is a catastrophe for a man. Here’s when to dread it happening.

In a swimming pool

It’s all fun and games in the pool until you notice that you’ve become colossally indecent for no apparent reason. While your friends all lark about with a beach ball, you awkwardly shuffle around the deep end, hoping no one catches sight of your trunks and gets you a lifetime ban from Pontins.

On the bus

You’re approaching your stop and you’re coiled like a spring ready to hop off. Unfortunately, your genitals have other ideas. Fearing other passengers will band together, United 93-style, and attack the pervert if you stand up, you glumly stay seated and watch your stop speed by. At least it’s a circular bus route, so only 45 minutes until you’re back.

Getting a massage

You’ve finally caved and joined your partner on a spa weekend. Suddenly, while a large Bosnian gentleman is driving his elbows into your spine, you feel things kicking off. A relaxing experience becomes a terrifying 30 minutes, as you pray things settle down before you stand up and security gets called.

Hosting a meeting

Having spent weeks prepping your fascinating marketing ideas, you notice something stirring as you’re cueing up PowerPoint. You stand, half-hunched, trying to shield your shame with some notes, worrying the next time you’ll be in the conference room will be for a HR tribunal.

Yoga class

‘Wear loose-fitting, light trousers’, they say. Never will you regret a dress code so much as when, in the middle of your downward dog, you feel your twig and berries twitching. Best cut your losses, and get your awakened chakra out of there before you become a write-up in the local paper.