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Tory sleaze scandal not sexy enough, says public

THE Tory sleaze scandal does not have as much knee-trembling action as its name suggests, according to a disappointed public.

Owen Paterson’s lobbying breaches and Sir Geoffrey Cox’s office use are corrupt and shameful, but there is not enough raunchy behaviour for it to be classed as ‘sleaze’ in the eyes of Brits.

Voter Donna Sheridan said: “All this talk of sleaze made me think a Tory MP had got their leg over, like the Profumo affair or when David Mellor somehow had sex. Instead it’s just about boring, unsexy money.

“The press should be more vigilant with their reporting. Sleaze is the sort of word you’d associate with an adult video shop and shouldn’t be used lightly to describe legal work conducted in the British Virgin Islands while skipping votes.”

Tom Booker said: “Whenever I see the word ‘sleaze’ splashed across the front page I get excited because there might be a grainy photo of a thigh or a cheeky flash of a bottom. 

“I expected at least a call girl and some mild spanking. So imagine my disappointment when it’s page after page of old white men’s faces. That’s not getting my rocks off.

“Although I’m still nauseous from that video where Matt Hancock locks lips with his aide, so maybe it’s for the best none of those money-grabbing scumbags are getting any.”

How to grovel with no dignity for break-up sex

FANCY one last shag as your relationship ends? It’s not a terrible idea, honest, so here’s how to go about it.

Think of a bullshit reason

Doing it ‘for old time’s sake’ is a bit of cliche, so you need ‘closure’. Or it’s a ‘beautiful’ way of saying goodbye. Actually you’re desperately angling for a shag as you’re terrified of when the next one will be. 2030? Never?

Do something absolutely nauseating

Your ex may have a stuffed toy knocking around. If you can keep your dinner down, put on a cutesy voice and say ‘Mr Bear wants a special cuddle’. It’s a gamble – they’ll either think you’re a manipulative bastard, or Mr Bear has weirdly been your wingman and got you laid. 

Beg pathetically 

If all else fails, keep asking for sex until your sheer patheticness makes them put you out of your misery. But don’t sound like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. That could backfire.

Remind them how good you were together

Paint a romanticised picture of the ‘good times’. Just hope they don’t recall the ‘other times’, which were at best tedious and at worst non-stop rows. If they pedantically remember you drunkenly chatting up their fit friend in front of them you can wave that sex goodbye.

Assume you’ll get back together 

A shag will make them call off splitting up, right? This insultingly assumes your ex is incapable of independent thought, and that you have mind-blowing sexual skills. Believing things like this is probably what got you dumped in the first place.

Have a good cry

You’ve got your break-up sex, but now you feel teary and sad. However, you’ve already humiliated yourself, so an unsexy, lonely blub in your underpants barely makes things worse.