Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods

BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is. 

As the government issued flood warnings, men with driving gloves agreed that unexpectedly large pools of water on country roads were unlikely to affect non-watertight cars weighing over a tonne.

Martin Bishop said: “There’s no way a mini-ocean of murky water under a bridge can go deeper than half an inch. I’ll give it a go because I’ve got a massive Audi and I’m in a hurry to get home before Bargain Hunt.

“Sure, during the last floods my previous Audi floated halfway down the street before sinking and almost killing me, but this time I’ll go faster and pop the hazards on.”

Donna Sheridan of Harrogate agreed: “My old Fiat Panda is bound to be amphibious. There’s probably a button on the dashboard that sends fins and propellers out like a James Bond car, but I won’t check until the icy water is up to my chest.

“I’ll have to take my chances because I need to go to Asda later for an air freshener and there’s no way that can wait a couple of days.”

A Department for Transport spokesperson said: “We urge people to use common sense. Rev the engine then race at the water like a maniac, and you’ll probably bounce over it like a skipping stone.”

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How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts: 

Hold a medieval banquet

Like the monarchs of old, hold a lavish banquet in your own honour. Light candles because the pre-pay electric’s run out, and instead of a hog roasting on a spit impale Tesco Value beefburgers on a pencil and rotate them over the gas ring.

Impress the chicks in VIP nightclubs

Act the Leonardo DiCaprio-style high roller by ordering endless bottles of vintage Krug champagne for leggy models. But there are no nightclubs, so economis by taking a Londis bag of Strongbow Dark Fruits to the bit of your local park where the teenage drinkers throw up.

Blow it on cocaine

Whatever you call it – toot, beak, gak, spangle – coke is the status symbol narcotic. You might have difficulty finding a dealer to sort you out with your £2.86 per day’s worth, but on the upside there’s no risk of getting hooked.

Make a terrible record or film

A great way to lose cash is to dabble in film production or invest in your dreams of being a pop star. A budget of £20 is admittedly low, but once you start filming an action epic in your back garden it’ll be gone in no time.

Buy a Humvee

Millionares love Hummers. Make your own by widening your car with cardboard boxes painted black, or get a friend to Photoshop you into a picture of one and put it on Facebook anyway, crouched in front of it with a fan of four fivers like a rap megastar.

Become a corner shop wine connoisseur

Your £2.86 a day isn’t quite enough to sample the Chateau Papes, but tatty corner shops have a selection of under-three-quid wine gathering dust. Remember to say ‘Mmm, earthy with a hint of citrus’ rather than ‘Jesus, is this antifreeze?’