Cold weather to continue while Britain remains island off coast of Europe in winter

FORECASTERS have warned that the current cold weather will continue as long as Britain remains an island betweeen continental Europe and the Atlantic during winter.

The January cold spell is expected to last throughout February and well into spring unless the UK suddenly finds itself in the Caribbean, which is thought unlikely to happen anytime soon.

Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “I’m not sure why we’re seeing newspaper headlines about upcoming cold weather. Were people expecting heatwaves?

“Regardless, if you’re holding out hope for sunshine and high temperatures over the next few months, our long-range forecasts, combined with Britain’s latitude and climate, make it very unlikely.

“You might even say that hoping for anything different is a waste of time, especially in the north, so perhaps everyone could stop discussing it entirely.”

Mary Fisher of Carlisle said: “It’s ridiculous is what it is. We’d be having blue skies and sunshine if it wasn’t for the EU.”

“It’s political correctness gone mad.”

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How to secretly stuff your face when your partner's on a diet

YOUR partner’s dieting and you’re trying to be supportive but you’re bloody starving. Here’s how to stuff yourself without getting caught. 

Claim to be working late while becoming one of the 5pm regulars at Burger King, muttering ‘the usual’ at the counter staff until they heap your tray with Whoppers and then signalling carb-drunkenly for more. You’ll still be able to fit in a carrot-and-coriander soup later.

Swap your armchair for a beanbag filled with Skittles and shove in a quick mouthful whenever your partner’s rapt in front of Bake-Off. If they notice your blue tongue claim to be eating healthy blue spirulina algae powder, like supermodel Miranda Kerr.

Partner having a special treat by ordering sushi off Deliveroo? Go along with it, add a portion of cheesy chips for yourself and scoff them on the doorstep. It’s not like sushi goes cold.

Leave a few Babybels floating in that old junkie’s favourite stash, the toilet tank, and scoff a few every time you need to relieve yourself. Don’t worry about the wax. Wax is edible.

On really desperate days, raid the duck fat still in the cupboard from Christmas. After a week of freekeh mushroom risottos it’ll be delicious straight from the spoon.

Off the booze too? Try adapting a tactic used on oil rigs and inject oranges with vodka, then claim to be getting your five-a-day. If you get woozy pretend you’re weak with hunger, and with luck your partner will use it as an excuse to order the Chinese they’re gagging for.