Coldness confirmed during neighbour climate summit

NEIGHBOURS have confirmed the recent drop in temperature during a top level over-the-fence meeting.

Household representatives 48-year-old Stephen Malley and 63-year-old Mary Fisher met for unplanned climate talks in their Swindon gardens yesterday while Fisher was pegging out some washing.

Fisher said: “It’s cold, isn’t it? A lot colder than it was.

“It’s supposed to be cold next week too.”

Malley agreed that it is cold, however he was more reluctant to speculate on the following week.

He said: “I’ve heard different things. They say it might improve by next Wednesday.”

While remaining confident that the cold weather would last, Fisher suggested that the reason forecasts differed is that they don’t really know and probably just make it all up.

She added: “They’ve got snow in Scotland.”

Malley replied: “They’ve always got snow in Scotland.”

The meeting concluded on a positive note, with Fisher remarking that she was having a nice bit of lamb for tea, which she needed to go and check on.

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Tense supermarket queue desperately awaiting dividers

A SUPERMARKET queue is becoming unbearably tense due to a shortage of dividers.

Shoppers at an Asda in Knutsford are watching the till operator intently in order to grab a Toblerone-shaped plastic divider the moment one becomes available.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I can’t relax until my shopping is demarcated with a little barrier standing there like a medieval town guard.

“I’m praying I get a divider soon because if my items bounce on the conveyor and get too close to the woman in front’s I might have to reach out and move them apart slightly.”

Mum-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “If my shopping gets mixed up with the first few items belonging to the man behind me I’d have to buy them, because there’s no way a computerised scanning system would just let you delete something.

“He might think I was stealing his shopping and call the police. Then I’d have some waffles and courgettes I didn’t want and a criminal record.

“Probably I would lose my kids, spiral into an underworld existence and have to join a female biker gang called ‘the Razor Bitches’.”

Checkout operator Nikki Hollis said: “I particularly like it when someone puts a divider behind their shopping, which is basically telling the person after them to stay the fuck away from their granola.”