Dog cancels important garden visit due to rain

A DOG has confirmed the cancellation of a trip to the garden because of poor weather conditions.

Dog Wayne Hayes said: “I can confirm that this morning’s garden visit, during which I planned to do a shit and sniff around for evidence of squirrels, will no longer be taking place.

“There are a number of safety concerns arising from the rain, chiefly getting a wet coat but also the possibility of skidding due to lack of paw traction.

“The garden trip will now take place this afternoon or when the rain stops, whichever is sooner, because obviously I will need a shit before too long.

“I apologise to household members who responded to my initial scratching at the back door. I merely wanted the door opened so that I could further monitor the weather situation, after which I decided not to embark.

“Einstein said ‘the measure of intelligence is the ability to change’, which clearly means you should stay indoors if you don’t want to get your ears all wet.”

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Boris unveils plan to become PM by murdering everyone

AN increasingly desperate Boris Johnson plans to become prime minister by murdering everyone else in Britain.

After a misguided attempt to undermine Theresa May, Johnson has now taken the more direct approach of slaying the entire population so that there is nobody else left to take charge.

The foreign secretary said: “I’m going to become prime minister even if it means slaughtering every human in this great nation of ours.

“All my political manoeuvring has failed to bear fruit, so the only option left is to wield my trusty cricket bat ‘Gladstone’ and become PM by force.

“Next I’ll kill everyone in London and exterminate the rest of Britain county-by-county. Once everyone’s dead I’ll finally be able to assume my rightful role as leader of the nation.

“You probably think I’ve just gone completely mad, but that happened a long time ago when I adopted my ‘Dennis the Latin-speaking Menace’ persona.”

Johnson then shouted “Cui bono carpe diem bona fide Caesar!’ before running off and falling down a manhole.