Dog struggling to understand concept of dignity

A DOG has been left confused after the concept of dignity was explained to him.

Labrador Stephen Malley’s owner gave him a long lecture about personal pride after he extensively licked his genitals and anus during dinner time.

He said: “Apparently I would not be so obsessed with my arse and balls if I had ‘pride’ and behaved in a ‘dignified way’.

“But surely if I didn’t keep them clean then that wouldn’t be very dignified, would it?”

Malley’s owner Mary Fisher also explained how he should not sniff other dogs’ arses, eat cow pats or stick his head up women’s skirts.

He added: “I can’t shake hands for obvious reasons, so putting my nose in someone’s groin is the nearest I can manage to a formal greeting.

“If Mary’s so right and proper then how come she puts my shits in a bag, presumably for her personal shit collection. It’s the hypocrisy that offends me.”

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Everything fine at Arsenal now

EVERYTHING is wonderful at Arsenal and nothing whatsoever needs to change, fans have confirmed.

Arsenal’s FA Cup victory at the weekend confirmed the widespread belief that everything at the club is going in the right direction and that Arsene Wenger is definitely the correct choice as manager.

Gunners fan Wayne Hayes said: “The past twelve months have been great, and at absolutely no point was I preparing to march on the training ground with a pitchfork.

“We’ve won a trophy, which makes us better than Spurs, and without the Champions League to distract us, we’re a sure bet for the title next year.”

Season-ticket holder Susan Traherne said: “When I hired a plane to fly over the Emirates trailing a banner that said ‘Arsene out’, I may have inadvertently given the impression that I wanted him to leave.

“But it was actually supposed to say ‘Arsene outstanding’.”

Hayes added that he and his fellow Gooners would be one hundred percent behind their club until the next time an Arsenal player gave away a throw-in, when they would resume their campaign of furious booing.