Earth hates Sting

PLANET Earth has confirmed that it really does not like Sting.

The singer attended a massive climate change march over the weekend, causing Earth to speculate on why cool celebrities never go to these things.

Earth said: “There is something about that so-called ‘Sting’ that really makes me want to drop a natural disaster on his ass.

“It’s just his face.”

The planet is increasingly frustrated that no good actors or musicians ever speak up for it.

“Mark Ruffalo seems like a right bedwetter. And Emma Thompson…no.

“Why does Lemmy from Motorhead never turn out for ‘green’ happenings? Or Chow Yun-Fat?

“Hard Boiled is my favourite film. Despite your hippy preconceptions I am really into the cinema of extreme violence.”

Earth added: “I believe if we work together we can stop global warming.

“All you have to do is not have any sexual intercourse ever again.”

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Premier League managers call for autumn break

MANAGERS have demanded a six-week break for exhausted players who have been at it since as far back as August.

Poor results in the Champions League have been blamed on a gruelling schedule which requires players to be on the pitch for between 90 and 180 minutes every week, often with as little as four days’ break in between.

Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, said: “You should have seen them after the Dortmund game, slumped on their benches, breathing heavily, their brows dusted with a sheen of sweat. It’s inhuman.”

The draft schedule calls for a six-week autumn break from late August to mid-October, followed by an eight-week winter break from November to January. A final spring break would run from mid-March to mid-April.

Clubs have confirmed that they will use the extra time to play a series of debilitating but lucrative exhibition games abroad.