Endangered animals ‘guilty of poor financial planning’

THE loss of two-thirds of the earth’s wild animals in the next eight years has been blamed on their refusal to earn and save money.

Animals from elephants to salamanders are expected to die out completely by in a decade, which is widely supposed to be because they have not worked hard enough. 

Stephen Malley of Hitchin said: “Habitat being wiped out? Tough all over mate. 

“I got priced out of Walthamstow so I moved up here, started a Bargain Booze franchise, coining it. You’ve got to be adaptable. 

“But your gorillas just sit on their arses never thinking about where the next tract of primary rainforest is coming from.”

Primary school teacher Susan Traherne agreed: “Since 2008 I’ve been on a tracker mortgage for low interest, but now I’m on a fixed rate in case they go up. 

“The endangered Panamanian golden frog should take a leaf out of my book and plan for changing circumstances, or he’s got nobody but himself to blame.” 

Mountain gorilla Tom Logan said: “Fair enough, I made some mistakes, I’m holding my hands up.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man decides first 10 minutes of new Adam Curtis film should be enough to bluff it

A MAN who saw the first 10 minutes of Adam Curtis’s new documentary is to pretend he watched the whole thing.

Tom Logan thought he would enjoy Hypernormalisation after hearing positive reviews from people but he quickly found the subject matter a little bit heavy and quite confusing.

Logan said: “If anyone in the pub mentions it I’ll just say the stuff about Trump at the beginning was really fascinating and that I loved all the weird stock footage of stuff and the lovely, warm voice over.

I’m sure if I’d have stuck with it I’d have definitely understood it, but it’s also nearly three hours long and Vin Diesel isn’t in it.

Whose got that much time on their hands to watch a documentary? Especially as I still haven’t yet gotten round to watching all six series of American Horror Story.”