Essex to become super sewer

ESSEX is to be turned into a gigantic sewage outflow for the city of London.

Work has begun on making the entire county concave and residents have been asked to keep their front and back doors open to allow the sewage to flow through freely.

A Thames Water spokesman said: “When people think of Chelmsford or Basildon they already feel waves of nausea and disgust.”

But businesses have warned the project will hit two of the county’s key industries as nobody will need fake tan or white clothes when up to their necks in effluent.

 

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Today to feel like Wednesday

THE whole of Monday is to feel deceptively like a Wednesday, forecasters have warned.

Across the UK, people are expected to repeatedly think that they have broken the back of the week when in reality it still stretches out ahead of them.

The misconception is caused by an unusual high pressure system in the Atlantic which has pushed into Britain from the west, leaving Scandinavia with the sense of two consecutive Mondays.

Forecaster Helen Archer said: “These feelings will persist throughout the day, causing confusion and fear.

“You will go from the painful lunchtime realisation that you can’t justify breaking your diet, to the evening disappointment when you sit down with your massive cake to watch the Bake-Off and it doesn’t fucking happen.”