Everyone had forgotten this country is freezing cold most of the time

EVERYONE had forgotten England is generally absolutely freezing, it has emerged.

As millions awoke to disconcertingly low temperatures, many were puzzled about how this could be happening in such a warm, balmy place.

Driving instructor Wayne Hayes said: “I was fairly sure it was hot and sunny here all the time, certainly that’s what we have been led to believe by the past few months.

“But then I noticed all the thick, heavy clothes in my wardrobe that for some reason I hadn’t taken to the charity shop, and it started to come back to me.

“This isn’t a nice warm little island, it’s a fucking freezing hellhole. Now I just need to remember why I chose to live here.”

Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “I thought this coldness was just emanating from my soul, but then I googled ‘seasons’ and got a nasty shock. At least the days don’t get really short and dark or anything weird and bleak like that.”