EVERYONE had forgotten England is generally absolutely freezing, it has emerged.
As millions awoke to disconcertingly low temperatures, many were puzzled about how this could be happening in such a warm, balmy place.
Driving instructor Wayne Hayes said: “I was fairly sure it was hot and sunny here all the time, certainly that’s what we have been led to believe.
“But then I noticed all the thick, heavy clothes in my wardrobe that for some reason I hadn’t taken to the charity shop, and it started to come back to me.
“This isn’t a nice warm little island, it’s a fucking freezing hellhole. Now I just need to remember why I chose to live here.”
Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “I thought this coldness was just emanating from my soul, but then I googled ‘seasons’ and got a nasty shock. At least the days don’t get really short and dark or anything weird and bleak like that.”