A MAN is convinced that unpleasantly hot weather means his wife will be up for steamy lovemaking sessions.

Despite a normally pedestrian love life, Tom Booker feels the exhausting heatwave is sexy and he should start propositioning wife Joanna like a horny dog.

Booker explained: “Summer is, without doubt, the most erotic of the seasons – skimpy swimming costumes, bodies glistening with sweat, the obvious symbolism of an erect 99 Flake.

“Joanna is so going to be up for it. She’s already in the bedroom, the little minx, lying there completely motionless on the bed with the blinds drawn, the fan pointed at her face.

“She’s wearing nothing but that manky old M&S camisole and moaning from time to time. I just know that as soon as it hits 30 we’ll throw caution to the wind and shag in our south-facing garden.”

However spouse Joanna seemed more concerned with not moving and clutching a large bag of frozen peas than energetic lovemaking.

She said: “Until scientists invent a way to get it on without touching at all, summer sex is off the cards. If he tries to instigate anything more than a kiss on the wrist I’m filing for divorce. I’m not even joking.

“We can have sex again when my earlobes stop sweating. I didn’t even know they could do that.”