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Young people: If we ignore the evidence, can we still blame them?

YOUNG people are unable to get jobs, locked out of education and suffering poor mental health. But if we really try, can we find a way for it to be their fault?

Jobs

Apparently there’s a shortage of entry-level positions for 18 to 25-year-olds, and they’ve all applied to hundreds and not even heard back. Initially, that seems hard to pin on them. But what if we say they’re absurdly picky? That they’re only willing to work two days a week as Marginalised Identity Support Consultants? Not so innocent now, are they?

Education

University now means incurring crippling lifelong debt which puts today’s cowardly youth off. But disregarding that, if we scour higher education for the most ridiculous courses we can find, can we turn this around? To say ‘no wonder you can’t find work when you’ve got a third in Sustainable Surf Management’ surely gives us the moral high ground.

Health

An easy one. Claim the high levels of disability benefits the young are claiming for made-up nonsense like ‘climate anxiety’, ‘ADHD’, ‘autism’, ‘schizophrenia’ and ‘serious brain injury’ is actually because they’re malingerers who want to play video games all day. Garnish with a reference to soldiers in World War One, which you weren’t in, and serve.

Apprenticeships

Introduced under the Tories and have a suitably Dickensian name so you’re in favour. But not only do they not remove children from their parents to chain them to benches, they’re actually paid to learn a trade? Freeloading bastards. There wouldn’t be any shortage of apprenticeships if successful applicants were chattel until they paid off their debts.

Phones, social media, AI, any technology invented after the millennium

No need to be specific with this one. Unleash a general rant about bloody young people being chained to their phones, slaves to Instagram, unable to think without consulting ChatGPT, and never leaving their bedrooms. Do this from your iPad on Facebook while watching AI-generated YouTube videos of a happy whites-only 1950s London.

Neets

It’s always good to have a dehumanising name for a group you abhor, and Neets is a good one. ‘These bloody Neets,’ you say in Wetherspoons, within earshot of the 22-year-old working there to pay her way through a biochemistry degree, ‘they don’t know the meaning of a hard day’s work.’ You’re there at 3pm on a Wednesday. That’s irrelevant.

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Your bitter ex, and other people from your past you'd rather hear from than Tony Blair

THE ghoulish spectre of Tony Blair reappeared this week to share his thoughts on current events. Here are five people you’d sooner hear from.

Your bitter ex

Just because you’ve done your best to avoid them in person and online doesn’t mean your bitter ex isn’t out there somewhere plotting your downfall. All you did was chuck them by text and start shagging their best friend the next day. But you’d still rather hear a long list of unfortunately valid reasons why they still f**king hate you than be lectured by a disgraced warmonger.

Your school bully

True, they caused lasting psychological damage with their on-point mockery of your stupid appearance and daft name. But perhaps time truly does heal all wounds. Maybe they’re a better person now, although Facebook suggests they’re a scumbag promoting drop shipping in Dubai. Even so, reconnecting might make you feel better about yourself, and it’s still better than listening to a sanctimonious pal of dictators who appears to be turning into a goblin.

Your estranged uncle

What exactly happened to him? There was that odd barbecue decades ago where some home truths were drunkenly spilled and then you never heard from him again. Odd. Catching up with him would certainly solve some awkward family mysteries that have been lingering over gatherings ever since. Plus he owes you a tenner and petrol isn’t getting any cheaper.

Your first boss

Yes, he was a micromanaging twat who timed your toilet breaks. In his defence though, you were a 17-year-old who didn’t have a f**king clue how anything worked and liked to skive off at every opportunity. If you did somehow meet by chance you’d probably regard it all as water under the bridge, and it’s unlikely he’d subject you to his unasked-for opinions on Keir Starmer delivered in a smug, smarmy, punch-my-face manner.

Your childhood self

There’s no one more awkward to be reunited with than your childhood self. Not because you used to be an annoying little shit, you know that already. No, it’s because they’ll take one look at you and realise this is where their life is heading. Still, in your lifetime you’ve never been to war on false pretences resulting in the death of hundreds of thousands of people, so you can at least reassure them of that while you’re explaining their bleak future.

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